Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Finding Peace Amongst the Pain
Friday, December 26, 2014
When the Autopilot Shuts Off
Christmas. The season of joy and renewed spirit. The season of giving, sharing love and comforting those with broken hearts. This season has been hard for me. I feel myself becoming physically ill from the sadness I carry in my heart. I have been trying hard to make sure there is plenty of Christmas spirit for my earthly trio but it is hard when I would rather run and hide.
I usually try to post a positive twist on what we have to endure but this season has broke me. I discussed this with my counselor the other day. She mentioned that maybe I was still on autopilot and the reality of Christmas and the New Year has forced me to face the facts. I think she pretty much nailed it. I have been trying to be so strong and not upset people with what my heart truly feels but, you know what, who does that help? No one. It only prolongs the enevitable. I lost a baby, not once but twice. I heard "there is no heartbeat" on Valentines Day after almost a year of trying to get pregnant. I had to make the decision to have surgery since my body could not let my first angel go. I held my beautiful, 6 pound 9 ounce son in my arms and never heard him cry. I carried him for 36 weeks planning out our perfect future only to have it ripped straight from my heart. I had to go home and put my needs on hold because my beautiful trio needed their Momma. I try to cry when they are not around or wait for Bill to fall asleep because the thought of upsetting someone else bothers me and I have to be the strong one, right? Yes, I have amazing support and so much love around me but those kind gestures will never take this pain away. What I wouldn't give to hold him again and feel his soft skin against my lips. What I wouldn't give to rub my fingers through his beautiful hair and tell him how much I love him. What I wouldn't give to go back to that Sunday and pay more attention to my body. Maybe things would be different. Maybe I would have had a little one this Christmas. Maybe I would have had to sneak away during family get togethers to nurse him and have a quiet moment with my last born. My last born....he was to be my forever baby. I was so ready for the next chapter of our life and now it sits here with the corner turned but I do not know if I am ready to turn that page.
This is all us angel Mommas have ...questions, 'what if's and 'maybe's. We have memories that will never happen. Our heart feels a little tug every now and then when we realize this is not a dream. Sometimes, I feel like this is a dream because it seems too sad to have really happened to someone. Then, I remember all the Mommas that have faced this reality and I am one of them. Such a heavy, heart wrenching reality to face. What you see on the outside is so far from what is felt inside. I try to plaster on a smile and go about my day. I try to keep myself distracted because when it is quiet, my mind is consumed by my boys. As I have said before, it is not all rainbows nd sunshine afterwards in a new world where we cherish every moment with our earthly babes. You have to balance their needs with your needs all while tending to the broken hearts that you all now possess. It is a complicated process to move forward without causing damage. We cannot be strong every moment and we are bound to have our downs just as much as our ups. The most important thing is that people stick around for both the ups and downs. It may be uncomfortable to stand by someone who is grieving and that is okay. Sometimes discomfort breeds inappropriate comfort and the damage it may cause is irreversible. Hearts do not forget easily. Be kind to each other and remember that a simple 'I am so sorry' is the best therapy around ♡
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
The Race
The most difficult thing about grief is that it will always catch up to you. No matter how hard you try to ignore it, it will sneak up on you and attack at your weakest moments. It may take days, months or years but grief never forgets and it will never let you get away without a few scars.
Right now, I am dancing an delicate dance with my grief. I am trying to keep the Christmas spirit alive in our home but it sure is hard knowing that there are two less children to open presents on Christmas morning. Instead of buying presents for Holden, I am shopping for nameplates for his urn. Instead of buying Ricky Christmas jammies, I am buying ornaments to remember him by. I am trying to stay positive and make sure my earthly trio get the Christmas they deserve but my heart wants nothing to do with the holidays.
I used to enjoy family get togethers. They allowed us all to catch up, share stories and show off our beautiful children. This Saturday, it was too much. Seeing all that joy only made my heart weaker. I could not escape my sadness and stepped away for a while. I laid in the bed next to where Lydon was napping and wept. I slept off and on while my beautiful rainbow dreamt happily. I heard all the happy voices booming from downstairs and was mad that I couldn't enjoy that. I was mad that I had been given this life. What is the purpose for all of this? Why must I bear this weight? I cannot understand why such beautiful souls were taken from me without a single answer. My mind was spinning. I was so overwhelmed in a moment where I should have been experiencing pure joy. Holden would have been 5 months old this Sunday. He would have been smiling, babbling and being passed around and smothered with kisses. He would have smelled like my Aunt Judy's perfume as all my others did when they were little and snuggled with her.
Through my tears, I looked over at the crib Lydon was laying in. He was looking at me very contently. I picked him up and laid him next to me in bed. We laid there for a while quietly. I rubbed his back and hummed to him while he sucked his thumb and snuggled his blankie. This is it! This right here! This beautiful creation along with my other two running wildly through the house are the reason I wake up every day and drag myself out of bed. They are the reason I say 'yes' to my grief because I cannot afford for it to overpower me forever. I need to allow grief into my life in order to find my happiness again. I know this race will be a marathon for the rest of my life and I know that just when I think I have won, I will trip and fall. But, my promise to my 5 beautiful angels is that I will dust myself off, get up and keep going. This race will not get the best of me, it will just motivate me to run faster.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
What now?
This week, as I watched my earthly trio, I came to the realization that there was nothing "baby-like" in my house anymore. My youngest, Lydon, has lost all of his baby features. He talks in short sentences and doesn't need much care besides dressing, diapering and handing him his food. He walks around the house entertaining himself with his trucks and whatever else his sisters have out. He doesn't need me as much as Holden would have needed me right now. What I wouldn't give to have a wiggly baby in my arms or have an all day nursing marathon due to a growth spurt. What I wouldn't give to be cheering him on as he tries to roll over and blow bubbles. For years, there was always a sense of baby in my house and it seems as if it has disappeared overnight.
Granted, Lydon is still young but he is a running, wild haired toddler now. I should be chasing him with my arms full of Holden or telling him to kiss his brother gently. Yet, I sit here and write as tears flow down my cheeks and the pain in my heart swells. Instead, we hand Lydon his brother's urn to kiss good night. He shouts Holden's name proudly when he sees his pictures but he will never get to play with him or teach him all about being a boy in house once dominated by women.
Holden was supposed to be my forever baby. He was supposed to fill the void we still felt. Now, his loss has created a new void, a void that can never be filled. We are faced with a life changing decision...do we stay here or do we try again. It is something Bill and I talk about regularly but what I really want is Holden. I know another baby would be such a blessing but it will not be my beautiful son who I ache for everyday. I have seen so many other Angel Mommas face their fear and have been blessed with beautiful rainbows. I already have a rainbow, my sweet Lydon. I know the feeling of seeing your beautiful baby's face and knowing they are okay after 9 months of constant worry. It is a very scary, torturous road and there is no directions for us to follow. We just have to follow our heart and do what we feel is best for ourselves and our family. I am still trying to find the ultimate good in all of this and sometimes I truly wonder what I did to deserve this.
I have a dear friend who lost her precious angel the day after Holden was born. She is currently carrying her rainbow and shares with me her fears. I hear her pain and yet I also hear her pride and love pour out for this sweet, little bean. I wonder what it would be like for me and I get a shiver of fear and guilt. Holden will always be my forever baby as that was to be his place in our family. I look at Lydon and know Ricky chose him just for us and I wonder if Holden is waiting to bless us just as Ricky did. Only time will tell if we will be ready to accept his gift...
Monday, December 1, 2014
The Warriors
There is a group of women I know for which I am now a part of. I have written about these women before but I will never be able to capture their bravery among my writing. Their courage is a beautiful yet heart wrenching thing to witness. They have given me strength without being present. They have wiped my tears from afar and warmed my heart with a single hug. These women are warriors, through and through. These women are mothers to angels. I have heard stories that could make the coldest heart melt. I have seen the pain upon their face as they speak their angels names in private. I have seen the pride they possess among that pain and the daily battle to keep their angels' memory alive. These women are warriors who fight to help others placed upon this path. They face a mother's greatest fear with the amazing power of infinite love.
Us angel Mommas fear that our little ones will be forgotten, that their names will fade with time. We worry that others will forget that these lives, no matter how brief, were and still are so very powerful. Our angels live with each breath we take, with each beat of our hearts. We live with the gaping hole in our heart that is filled with sadness, love, pride and fear. It is a feeling that words cannot describe. With each passing day, we awaken to the heavy ache of knowing what we do not have. We will never feel complete as a little piece of us has been taken. There are now two versions of us, who we were before and us now. We yearn for our life before yet would not give up who we are now for it would mean not knowing the love we have for our angels.
I have witnessed the amazing power of these women through their stories and their actions. I have been able to move forward by using their strength to push me. They have given me a gift that I will never be able to return. I have seen them face their fears and bring rainbows into this world. There are some who are currently pregnant with their rainbows and facing each day with uncertainty. There are some who are selflessly sharing their stories to raise awareness and help others face their fears. I am honored to be among these women and I feel that our paths were destined to cross. Although deep sadness has brought us together, I cannot imagine my life without them. These women, these warriors, are truly angels on earth. The world is richer having their intense power upon it.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Am I okay?
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
The Saddest Person in the House
Saturday, November 8, 2014
The Illusionist
Monday, November 3, 2014
Why I Write
Thursday, October 30, 2014
More Than Just Me: Community and Friends
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
More Than Just Me : Cristina, Diego, Kathy and Judi
Monday, October 27, 2014
More Than Just Me: Angel Mommas
Babies Gone Too Soon, Inc. What an amazing organization created through love that extends to the Heavens. I joined this group shortly after it was started. Created by four grieving mothers, their mission is to create an environment for others to share their stories, share their tears and honor all those babies who left us far too soon. Not only are they dedicated to giving a voice to our angels, they also have been tirelessly creating a system within our community to ensure that bereaved families get appropriate care and resources when they need it most. Their hard work and dedication gave my family the best possible care after we lost Holden. From the hospital care package to giving us support to checking in on us regularly, they have truly made a difficult situation a little more bearable. You will hear us Angel Mommas often say that this is a club you do not want to join but you are grateful it is there when you need it. The gifts these four women have given are beyond compare. Their heart's work has brought peace to so many through their sweet angels' legacy.
Through the support meetings and events, I have met some of the bravest and most inspiring women. Don't get me wrong, the other family members and friends are pretty amazing but these Mommas know exactly what my heart has gone through. When I feel like I am going crazy, they let me know they have been there, that every emotion I feel is normal. This journey is not easy and having someone to walk alongside you and understand every little thing you experience is an absolute blessing. These Mommas hold a very special place in my heart, so deep it will never fade. Rhonda and Meg and the loss of their little ones struck me so deeply as it was so similar to my loss of Ricky. Amanda and her love for sweet Cilla is such a treasure to witness. Mindy and her little ladybug Adalynn makes my heart ache as I still remember where I was when I found out and what I felt- utter heartbreak. There have been so many moms who have shared their stories and with each story, our hearts heal a little more knowing we are not alone.
After my induction was started and we had a moment to let everything process, I started to panic. What was I going to do once he was born? How was I going to make it through the next few hours, days, months? I felt a wave of helplessness as this is not what anyone would be prepared for. In the morning, I had 3 angels walk into my room. Their very presence brought a small sense of peace to my broken heart. They were proof that I would make it out of this hell. Amy- Momma to handsome Jackson, Brenda- Momma to sweet Lauren and Morgan- Momma to precious Hadlee. They embraced me with the sadness only they could know. I watched as they each took turns holding my boy. I could see the sadness in their eyes as they thought of their precious angels and the journey I was about to begin. They told me their stories in greater detail than I have ever heard before. They shared how they coped and what they did in the first few days and weeks. They gave me the advice that I was yearning for. They gave me hope. Liz- Momma to beautiful Ruby, came later that day with a care package. She embraced me and we unleashed a flood of tears. She held my boy and gazed at him. Liz's loss is the freshest of the four. She lost Ruby right before Xmas in 2012. I remember seeing her at the first Babies Gone Too Soon walk and was amazed at how strong she was. I know how much Angel Momma’s hate to hear they are strong because we don't always feel like we are but to get up each day with an ever present heartache and carry on takes a strength that only a few possess.
In the months since Holden left us, I have been blessed with meeting other Angel Mommas who bring some sanity to this crazy "new normal". Jane lost sweet Michael the day after Holden and her words and support has been amazing. Lisa, whose beautiful Robby has brought happiness to so many who have lost a precious little one through Robby's Rabbits. Karen, whose sweet Lily brought her Momma to me. Sarah and Alia, both Mommas to sweet Ella angels. Sweet Tylynn and her beautiful Devalynn born just weeks after my Holden. I see the love these Mommas extend beyond what we thought was humanly possible. Our lives, our hearts are forever changed. I feel a thousand times richer having met all these amazing women. Holden and Ricky brought them to me and this is my silver lining. Such sadness brings forth unbreakable bonds. I am so blessed to have met each and every one of them ♡
Friday, October 24, 2014
More Than Just Me : Everyone Else
When I was in the hopsital, I was oblivious to everything happening outside the four walls I was trapped in. I was at the mercy of others to feed me, medicate me, bring my baby to me and just plain care for me. If I could have withered away, I would have but all these people were working together to care for me and my precious Holden. As the days and months pass by, I am realizing more and more that Holden's impact stretched far beyond those four walls.
Because of my blood loss, I had to have follow-up blood work drawn. I was in a daze when she came to draw my blood. I have worked with her for years and always loved her smile. This time, her face was full of concern and empathy. In the next moment I realized that she knew my pain all too well. She told me of her precious little girl named Olivia Noel who grew her wings far too soon many years ago. I thought 'why must this happen?' It was so unfair that we had to share this bond. No parent should know this pain. A loss of a baby can feel so isolating but there are moments like this that make a person feel as if they do not have to walk this path alone. I will forever remember that moment.
As part of the changes Babies Gone Too Soon, Inc. has implemented, there was a process that allowed tests and information to be sent to a program called WISSP (Wisconsin Stillbirth Service Program). This program exists to try to bring answers to grieving hearts. As part of the process, Holden needed x-rays. I received a touching message describing his time in the radiology department. It made me realize that he has touched so many that I was unaware of. I loved hearing her story and my heart is so warmed by the thought of her cradling my sweet boy within her arms. Here is part of her story:
"When they brought us your beautiful (and oh my god was he a perfect soul) boy for his x-ray Barb handed him to me and the heaviness of him made me start to bounce the way a mom does with any baby. We took his picture and then waited for Barb to return for him. As I held him, E brought me a chair to sit in and hold him. Lots of tears were shed in the maybe 8 minutes he visited x-ray but also in those minutes there was lots of...he is beautiful...he is perfect...and this is just unfair and unreal. We all sent you our prayers and strength."
Love comes in so many forms and a baby has the power to make you fall in love with one glance. I may be biased but my precious boy had a way of making your heart sing among such sadness. His beauty went beyond his physical appearance. He had the look of ultimate peace upon his face. He had the face of a baby who never felt pain and only knew love. His life touched so many within the walls of my hospital. I see the looks of compassion as I walk down the halls. I hear the stories that were never told before. I hear how my sweet son touched so many in his short time on this earth. I almost feel like I am unworthy of the honor of being his mother. His life was so powerful and continues to be a strong force in my life, guiding me through the sadness and pain. I only hope he is proud of what I had done. I know I am so very proud of him ♡
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Day 12: More Than Just Me : Tracy and the surgery crew
Tracy. Tracy did almost all of my ultrasounds with all my kids. There is a reason for that, I requested her. Every time, she seemed genuinely excited for us even though I know she saw alot of babies via ultrasound. She really enjoys her job and you can tell. I loved how she would talk to my other kids while they squirmed around and, frankly, misbehaved during my ultrasounds. She never showed any frustration towards them. That really meant alot to me as I always wanted the kids to be involved. She was with us when we discovered that we had lost Ricky on Valentines Day 2012. I could hear the utter sadness in her voice as she quietly said "I'm sorry". She left the room to call the doctor. Bill looked at me with wide eyes and asked what was going on. It didn't take long for it to sink in.
When I heard that they had called in the ultrasound tech after they were unable to get Holden's heartbeat, I prayed it was Tracy. I could not imagine anyone else with me at that time. I am sure Tracy was praying the nurses were wrong and we would see his little heart flicker on that screen...it did not. I didn't believe her. How could she lie to me? I told her she was lying over and over again. She made me look...I had to...just for a second...to know the truth. I could see the same look on her face that I had seen 2.5 years earlier. My heart sank but I could not have imagined anyone else telling me besides her. It was as if God was putting the right people in my path at the right time from the very beginning. I hope she knows how much she means to me ♡
The plan was to induce labor. They offered me an epidural. When the anesthetist came to start the epidural, I kept telling him that I didn't want to feel anything. I wasn't referring to the physical pain as much as the emotional pain. I just wanted to go numb. This was far too much to take in. The induction started and we waited....and waited. Then, I thought my water broke. I had my mom check and that is when things hit a panic level. It was a whirlwind of people and rushing me down to surgery. Before Bill came into the surgery room, they got me ready and the anesthetist said a quiet prayer with me. They all had sullen faces as they went through the motions they have done many times before. Most of the time when they are called in to do an emergency c-section, the baby is alive and they are trying to save both mother and baby. This time, it was just me as it was too late for my son. I looked at Bill, who had our beautiful boy in his arms and tears falling down his cheeks. I kept telling him that I couldn't feel Holden because my fingers were numb and there was too much suctioning. That was the last thing I remember.
I remember waking off and on in the recovery room. I kept crying because I knew that this was not a dream. This was my reality. I tried to hide myself under the blankets, away from what I had to face. I thought I heard crying in the background and was not sure if it was me or someone else. I never looked. I just hid. My heart was broken and the pain was unbearable. I knew what was waiting for me upstairs...the truth. The horrible beginning to the rest of my life. Jeff, Jan, Beth and Marsha: these four beautiful souls who were awoken from their slumber to come save my life had to witness my worst nightmare. They were among the first ones to see my boy. I could not imagine being in their shoes having just witnessed what we went through. They sent us a beautiful floral arrangement with peacock feathers and sunflowers. They took my breath away, not so much for their beauty, but for the gesture behind them. I know their hearts ached for us and knowing they cared meant the world to me. They helped save my life. How can you ever thank someone enough for that? I am forever grateful.
More Than Just Me : The Doctors and Ashley
My doctor. I grew up with my doctor in a small town. I was best friends with her little sister growing up and I remember how cool I thought she was. When she came to work at my hospital, I immediately started going to her as a patient. She has a calm way about her which balances out my crazy ideas which only got crazier when I was pregnant. With both my girls, I was induced in the morning and they were born around suppertime. They were textbook labors and everything went great. When we discovered we lost Ricky, her office was the first place we went to after. She consoled us and truly was heart broken for us. With Lydon, I wanted to experience natural labor and boy did I get it. I awoke at 1am and had him by 4:02 am with absolutely no medication. Dr. R showed up after being awoken from her slumber to deliver my chunky little boy and did it all with a smile. Then there was Holden. From the first ultrasound showing a small bleed to finding out I had placenta previa, she was my voice of reason. I tried to stay calm but every now and then, I would get nervous. She always answered my questions and told me that everything would be okay. Why wouldn't it be? Besides Ricky, I had textbook pregnancies and labors. I figured one loss was all I would experience in my life. I never thought I would lose my baby one week before he was to be born. I bet the thought never crossed her mind, either. I remember how excited she was towards the end and she would say that she bet he would have a ton of hair like Boo Boo. She truly plays a large role in our lives. She helped bring all my babies into this world. I cherish the fact that a woman I admired growing up has helped me along my greatest journey in life as I became a mother.
And who better to assist Dr. R in the clinic than my dear friend Ashley who I have known for over a third of my life. We used to work together when we were teenagers growing into young adults and we had such an amazing bond. What a beautiful soul whom I have had the pleasure of sharing my pregnancies with as well as her own with her two precious babies. The first time I saw her after we lost Holden, she wept. I wept. We cried together for the utter sadness that surrounded us. I should have been bringing my baby boy in to be weighed and oogled over. Instead, I sat in the waiting room plugging my ears trying to muffle the newborn cries coming from two chairs down. Ashley has been a true, dear friend and I am so blessed to have shared my happy and sad moments with her. She truly is an amazing person.
Dr. H. Many people do not know but we had troubles getting pregnant before Ricky. We never struggled before so I was truly heartbroken as each month passed by and the tests continued to be negative. I finally went to Dr. H with my concerns and she was determined to "fix me" as she put it. I could tell that she took my concerns seriously and would do everything in her power to help me. Eventually, we became pregnant with Ricky but his time with us was short. I saw Dr. H while pregnant with Holden as there was a possibility I would need a c-section. Ever the optimist, she scheduled a "Hail Mary" ultrasound one week before my scheduled c-section. She hoped that things would have changed and I could have a natural labor. I had my c-section the same day that ultrasound was scheduled. Dr. H tells me that when she came into the exam room the night we found out that Holden had passed, she asked if there was anything she could do for us. I was in such a daze and do not remember much but she will always remember me asking her to give us another outcome. She has told me that hearing that broke her heart as she wished she could have fixed it.
Both doctors stayed in OB as I labored overnight and was then rushed to surgery. I could not imagine anyone else bringing my beautiful boy into this world. They were just as confused as we were. "He was perfect" was the most common words spoken. I will never truly understand why my Holden was taken from us but I had such amazing support from my doctors. The day I went home, I overheard a baby crying in the room next to me. It had just been born. Not 30 minutes later, Dr. H came into my room and embraced me on the couch where I was sobbing. She cried with me and for me.
Not many people can say that they have unrelenting support from their physicians and here I have had it from both of mine and continue to have it as I learn this new way of life. I have been blessed from day one. My heart is forever grateful.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Day 11- More Than Just Me: My coworkers.
My coworkers. For 10 years, I have worked among some of the most amazing people. I have seen moments that bring absolute joy and moments that make your heart sink. I have laughed, cried, worried and rejoiced among the best of the best. Sure there are moments where things don't always go as planned but when things get tough, everyone pulls together to get the job done. I have witnessed this many times especially when one of our own is involved.
I remember the look in my coworkers eyes when we discovered that Holden had no heartbeat. Shelly was with me trying to get the doppler to give us what we hoped for. Chris walked me over to OB saying it will be fine. I could tell they were trying to be strong for me. At one point, we thought that maybe we heard his heart and it was just slow. Two of my coworkers, Kim and Jess, rushed me into the bathroom and undressed me to get ready for what we thought would be an emergency c-section. But that plan was short lived when we had the ultrasound and it confirmed our fears. I was so wrapped up in my own emotions that I did not see the pain they were in at that time. I saw this later, when I would lay quietly in my room with my precious angel. I was trying to take in every moment for I knew they were soon going to end. I saw the forced smiles and red eyes. I saw them go through the motions but at a much more solemn pace. I felt them look at me with incredible sadness and frustration that they could not fix this. I know how they felt because I, too, had been in their shoes.
In May 2012, I came to work one morning and discovered that my dear friend and coworker Amy had lost her precious Jackson. I worked all day with a heavy heart knowing she was right down the hall living a nightmare. I was newly pregnant with Lydon and still healing from the loss of Ricky. That day and every day since, a little piece of my heart remains with her. I saw the sadness and confusion among my coworkers but we had to keep going. If I could have just sat down and cried and prayed for her, I would have done it all day. I would have ran to her bedside and rubbed her back while telling her that I was there for her. But the life of a nurse does not allow us to remain in these moments for long as there are others to care for.
When I was in the hospital, I had many of my coworkers come to my room. They hugged me, cried with me and even held my precious boy. I felt so proud to show him off yet a deep pain was injected into my heart knowing this was only temporary. Each and every one of the beautiful souls I work with has given me the gift of their love in many forms.
The OB nurses sat by my bed and cried with me and my family. Becky was with me through induction and the emergency c-section. She was the first nurse to care for my angel. Jess stayed by my side until Bill got to the hospital. Brenda sat and talked to my mom for hours. Barb sat and showed off Holden to my girls and answered all their questions. Emily found a pastor that blessed Holden for us. Kelly took me out the back door when I was released so I wouldn't have to face anyone. They all played a part in my care and I felt like they poured their heart into every moment with us. These women who have seen the happiest of moments and the saddest of moments gave me the best care possible. But what really stands out to me is the amazing care they gave Holden. I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been for them and yet I saw nothing but love in everything they did. My precious boy was in careful, loving hands from the moment he was born.
I can never truly express my gratitude to the amazing people I work with. During my leave and return to work, they have checked on me, allowed me to cry and acknowledge that my son did exist. They allow me to talk openly without judgment and encourage me to continue to heal. I am truly blessed to work among these angels on earth.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Day 10-More Than Just Me: The Cousins
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Day 9- More Than Just Me: The Great Aunts and Great Uncles
I grew up with amazing aunts and uncles. They are like parents to me and have shown me unconditional love from day one. Not only have they been a support system for me growing up, they became a source of strength when we lost Holden. I know their hearts were aching for the loss of their precious nephew and for the pain that Bill, the kids and I will bear for the rest of our lives. I know their thoughts also ventured to their own children, some of whom have children, their grandchildren. As parents, my aunts and uncles could understand our heartache but also knew how painful this was for our parents.
I did not grow up with Bill's aunts and uncles, but I have grown to know them and have seen the love they have for their family. Bill's family is a lot like mine which is probably why I always felt so comfortable around them. How lucky am I to have married into a family just as loving as my own. I am truly blessed!
From the moment we discovered that Holden's heart had stopped beating, there was a constant stream of support and love being sent our way. I felt like the ground had fallen out from underneath us and their love kept us afloat. It is amazing how a simple "I love you" or hug can make your pain lessen even when it is so overwhelmingly strong. Not all of my aunts and uncles came to the hospital for I know their hearts could not take it. At the wake, they surrounded us with so much love and I could see the pain in their eyes. I could see them look at Holden and question why this beautiful, precious boy was taken from us. I have seen the love they lavish my earthly trio with and, even in death, they love Holden and my sweet Ricky immensely.
There was a moment after the wake, when everyone left and Bill, the kids and I got a chance to hold Holden before he was cremated. I watched my beautiful girls as they held their brother for the last time. The hurt on their face made my heart feel as if it was shrinking away. I could not take their pain away, I could only tell them it was going to be okay. How do I know this? I had just experienced a mother's worst nightmare and now I had to try to convince my children that somehow, things would get better. I watched my husband sob as he gripped our boy tightly trying to hold on as long as possible. Then, it was my turn. I'll admit, I lost it but how can you not? How could I just hand my boy over never to hold him again. It just wasn't fair and in that moment, I felt sadness like I never felt before. It was as if every moment for which I was sad throughout my entire life had become this one moment, this one heart shattering moment. Just then, I felt familiar arms around me that brought me so much comfort. It was my Aunt Kristine who had come back to get sweet Kylee's sippy cup. I think God put her there for me at that moment. My Aunt Kristine is strong and always knows what to do when things get tough. I think God knew that my mother could not handle seeing me like that and Kristine served in her place for when I needed it the most. In that heavy, sickening moment of unbearable sadness, I saw that maybe we would be okay because I knew that when things got tough, there would always be someone to lend a hand or even just a shoulder to cry on.
I have had alot of people tell me that I am strong but, truth is, it is in my DNA. I grew up amongst some of the most loving, supportive and compassionate men and women. I could not have found my strength within without their guidance and inspiration. I am truly blessed to call them my family.
My Aunt Patti's nails for pregnancy and infant loss awareness month |
Friday, October 17, 2014
Day 8- More Than Just Me: The great-grandparents
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Day 7- More Than Just Me: Aunts and Uncles (Part 2)
Not many people can say that they married into a family as amazing as their own but I can. I knew that I wanted to marry Bill shortly after we met but what really sealed the deal was his family. I was welcomed into their family as if I had been there all along. Not only did he have a brother just as goofy as himself but he also had three sisters who welcomed me with open arms. And their spouses were just as amazing as they were. I was sold from day one. What an amazing family that was based on unwavering love and dedication to each other.
The night we found out that Holden gained his wings, Bill's brother and his wife came right to the hospital. It broke my heart to see the devastation in John's eyes and the sadness on Marie's face. They were just as confused as we were. How can this be? This simply cannot be real. They left knowing what was to come and I know this made their hearts ache immensely.
Bill's sister Diane was working a night shift. Even though she loves her job, I know her mind and heart were somewhere else that night. Amazingly, she was working with a mother of an angel who was able to provide her with comfort through those long night hours. She was kept up to date via texts from my mother-in-law and came to the hospital as soon as her shift was over. Sleep deprived and emotionally drained, she rocked my baby boy and fell in love as we all did. Her love for my babies is undeniable and I know my sweet boy felt every last bit of it just as his siblings do.
Bill's sister Donna came shortly after. Donna has faced her own battles as she was diagnosed with cancer shortly after we lost Ricky. She has faced many demons in the last couple of years and I see this woman as an inspiration to cherish life. She held Holden in her arms, just as she did with my earthly trio, with so much love in her eyes. What a beautiful gift to have her here on earth meeting my sweet boy when just 2.5 years ago we were unsure of the future.
Sweet and sassy Dar came that morning, too. I think seeing her upset affected me the most. Dar is pretty strong yet as gentle as they come. I watched her as she sat next to Bill while he wept for his son. I could see her heart breaking right in front of me. I know that if she could have taken Bill's pain away, she would have. Dar has also faced her own demons as she suffered a heart attack at a young age. She, too, has shown me that life is so very precious.
Marie came back that evening. She had to see her beautiful nephew. Her sadness was felt throughout the whole room. I watched her as she held my boy so tightly as if her love could bring life back to him. As a woman married into this amazing family and to Bill's brother, she knew how much this little boy meant to our family. Her heart broke right along with ours that day.
One regret I have is not getting a picture of everyone holding him. It still felt like a dream and it was hard to process everything at once. It is easy to look back now and see what I should have, could have done. Thing is, a picture doesn't always tell the whole story for I read the story of Holden's life through my emotions. My memories of these amazing people embracing my sweet boy are what brings me peace. I feel a warmth within my soul whenever I think of those moments. Not everyone came to the hospital as it was far too much to comprehend at the time. At the wake, the sadness was overwhelming.
My Day 7- More Than Just Me
The Aunts and Uncles- Part 2. Not many people can say that they married into a family as amazing as their own but I can. I knew that I wanted to marry Bill shortly after we met but what really sealed the deal was his family. I was welcomed into their family as if I had been there all along. Not only did he have a brother just as goofy as himself but he also had three sisters who welcomed me with open arms. And their spouses were just as amazing as they were. I was sold from day one. What an amazing family that was based on unwavering love and dedication to each other.
The night we found out that Holden gained his wings, Bill's brother and his wife came right to the hospital. It broke my heart to see the devastation in John's eyes and the sadness on Marie's face. They were just as confused as we were. How can this be? This simply cannot be real. They left knowing what was to come and I know this made their hearts ache immensely.
Bill's sister Diane was working a night shift. Even though she loves her job, I know her mind and heart were somewhere else that night. Amazingly, she was working with a mother of an angel who was able to provide her with comfort through those long night hours. She was kept up to date via texts from my mother-in-law and came to the hospital as soon as her shift was over. Sleep deprived and emotionally drained, she rocked my baby boy and fell in love as we all did. Her love for my babies is undeniable and I know my sweet boy felt every last bit of it just as his siblings do.
Bill's sister Donna came shortly after. Donna has faced her own battles as she was diagnosed with cancer shortly after we lost Ricky. She has faced many demons in the last couple of years and I see this woman as an inspiration to cherish life. She held Holden in her arms, just as she did with my earthly trio, with so much love in her eyes. What a beautiful gift to have her here on earth meeting my sweet boy when just 2.5 years ago we were unsure of the future.
Sweet and sassy Dar came that morning, too. I think seeing her upset affected me the most. Dar is pretty strong yet as gentle as they come. I watched her as she sat next to Bill while he wept for his son. I could see her heart breaking right in front of me. I know that if she could have taken Bill's pain away, she would have. Dar has also faced her own demons as she suffered a heart attack at a young age. She, too, has shown me that life is so very precious.
Marie came back that evening. She had to see her beautiful nephew. Her sadness was felt throughout the whole room. I watched her as she held my boy so tightly as if her love could bring life back to him. As a woman married into this amazing family and to Bill's brother, she knew how much this little boy meant to our family. Her heart broke right along with ours that day.
One regret I have is not getting a picture of everyone holding him. It still felt like a dream and it was hard to process everything at once. It is easy to look back now and see what I should have, could have done. Thing is, a picture doesn't always tell the whole story for I read the story of Holden's life through my emotions. My memories of these amazing people embracing my sweet boy are what brings me peace. I feel a warmth within my soul whenever I think of those moments. Not everyone came to the hospital as it was far too much to comprehend at the time. At the wake, the sadness was overwhelming. My beautiful boy is so loved and I know that his memory will live on through these beautiful souls I have the honor of calling my family ♥
Day 6- More Than Just Me: Aunts and Uncles (Part 1)
The Aunts and Uncles-Part 1.
My baby brother Logan was a few hours away for work. At first, he didn't think he would be able to come to the hospital but he ended up coming after all. I know he felt a special bond to Holden as they both would be the youngest of their families. I see Logan with Lydon and I know Holden would have adored him just the same. My big, burly brother entered the room and collapsed into tears. His heart was breakimg and no amount of comfort would help. It was surreal to see him holding Holden as I thought back to the first time he met Lydon and how proud he was to have a nephew. It was such a beautiful moment among so much pain. Unfortunately, no pictures were taken while he was holding him as we were so focused on Logan's grief. However, that moment will forever be burned into my memory. My baby brother holding my baby boy who never took a breath. What a precious gift to have so much love surround my beautiful son.