What now?

This week, as I watched my earthly trio,  I came to the realization that there was nothing "baby-like" in my house anymore.   My youngest, Lydon, has lost all of his baby features.  He talks in short sentences and doesn't need much care besides dressing, diapering and handing him his food.  He walks around the house entertaining himself with his trucks and whatever else his sisters have out.  He doesn't need me as much as Holden would have needed me right now.  What I wouldn't give to have a wiggly baby in my arms or have an all day nursing marathon due to a growth spurt.  What I wouldn't give to be cheering him on as he tries to roll over and blow bubbles.  For years, there was always a sense of baby in my house and it seems as if it has disappeared overnight.

Granted, Lydon is still young but he is a running, wild haired toddler now.  I should be chasing him with my arms full of Holden or telling him to kiss his brother gently.  Yet, I sit here and write as tears flow down my cheeks and the pain in my heart swells.  Instead, we hand Lydon his brother's urn to kiss good night.   He shouts Holden's name proudly when he sees his pictures but he will never get to play with him or teach him all about being a boy in house once dominated by women.

Holden was supposed to be my forever baby.  He was supposed to fill the void we still felt.  Now, his loss has created a new void, a void that can never be filled.  We are faced with a life changing decision...do we stay here or do we try again.  It is something Bill and I talk about regularly but what I really want is Holden.  I know another baby would be such a blessing but it will not be my beautiful son who I ache for everyday.  I have seen so many other Angel Mommas face their fear and have been blessed with beautiful rainbows.  I already have a rainbow, my sweet Lydon.  I know the feeling of seeing your beautiful baby's face and knowing they are okay after 9 months of constant worry.  It is a very scary, torturous road and there is no directions for us to follow.  We just have to follow our heart and do what we feel is best for ourselves and our family.  I am still trying to find the ultimate good in all of this and sometimes I truly wonder what I did to deserve this.

I have a dear friend who lost her precious angel the day after Holden was born.  She is currently carrying her rainbow and shares with me her fears.   I hear her pain and yet I also hear her pride and love pour out for this sweet, little bean.  I wonder what it would be like for me and I get a shiver of fear and guilt.  Holden will always be my forever baby as that was to be his place in our family.  I look at Lydon and know Ricky chose him just for us and I wonder if Holden is waiting to bless us just as Ricky did.  Only time will tell if we will be ready to accept his gift...