I grew up with amazing aunts and uncles. They are like parents to me and have shown me unconditional love from day one. Not only have they been a support system for me growing up, they became a source of strength when we lost Holden. I know their hearts were aching for the loss of their precious nephew and for the pain that Bill, the kids and I will bear for the rest of our lives. I know their thoughts also ventured to their own children, some of whom have children, their grandchildren. As parents, my aunts and uncles could understand our heartache but also knew how painful this was for our parents.
I did not grow up with Bill's aunts and uncles, but I have grown to know them and have seen the love they have for their family. Bill's family is a lot like mine which is probably why I always felt so comfortable around them. How lucky am I to have married into a family just as loving as my own. I am truly blessed!
From the moment we discovered that Holden's heart had stopped beating, there was a constant stream of support and love being sent our way. I felt like the ground had fallen out from underneath us and their love kept us afloat. It is amazing how a simple "I love you" or hug can make your pain lessen even when it is so overwhelmingly strong. Not all of my aunts and uncles came to the hospital for I know their hearts could not take it. At the wake, they surrounded us with so much love and I could see the pain in their eyes. I could see them look at Holden and question why this beautiful, precious boy was taken from us. I have seen the love they lavish my earthly trio with and, even in death, they love Holden and my sweet Ricky immensely.
There was a moment after the wake, when everyone left and Bill, the kids and I got a chance to hold Holden before he was cremated. I watched my beautiful girls as they held their brother for the last time. The hurt on their face made my heart feel as if it was shrinking away. I could not take their pain away, I could only tell them it was going to be okay. How do I know this? I had just experienced a mother's worst nightmare and now I had to try to convince my children that somehow, things would get better. I watched my husband sob as he gripped our boy tightly trying to hold on as long as possible. Then, it was my turn. I'll admit, I lost it but how can you not? How could I just hand my boy over never to hold him again. It just wasn't fair and in that moment, I felt sadness like I never felt before. It was as if every moment for which I was sad throughout my entire life had become this one moment, this one heart shattering moment. Just then, I felt familiar arms around me that brought me so much comfort. It was my Aunt Kristine who had come back to get sweet Kylee's sippy cup. I think God put her there for me at that moment. My Aunt Kristine is strong and always knows what to do when things get tough. I think God knew that my mother could not handle seeing me like that and Kristine served in her place for when I needed it the most. In that heavy, sickening moment of unbearable sadness, I saw that maybe we would be okay because I knew that when things got tough, there would always be someone to lend a hand or even just a shoulder to cry on.
I have had alot of people tell me that I am strong but, truth is, it is in my DNA. I grew up amongst some of the most loving, supportive and compassionate men and women. I could not have found my strength within without their guidance and inspiration. I am truly blessed to call them my family.
 |
| My Aunt Patti's nails for pregnancy and infant loss awareness month |
No comments:
Post a Comment