Tracy. Tracy did almost all of my ultrasounds with all my kids. There is a reason for that, I requested her. Every time, she seemed genuinely excited for us even though I know she saw alot of babies via ultrasound. She really enjoys her job and you can tell. I loved how she would talk to my other kids while they squirmed around and, frankly, misbehaved during my ultrasounds. She never showed any frustration towards them. That really meant alot to me as I always wanted the kids to be involved. She was with us when we discovered that we had lost Ricky on Valentines Day 2012. I could hear the utter sadness in her voice as she quietly said "I'm sorry". She left the room to call the doctor. Bill looked at me with wide eyes and asked what was going on. It didn't take long for it to sink in.
When I heard that they had called in the ultrasound tech after they were unable to get Holden's heartbeat, I prayed it was Tracy. I could not imagine anyone else with me at that time. I am sure Tracy was praying the nurses were wrong and we would see his little heart flicker on that screen...it did not. I didn't believe her. How could she lie to me? I told her she was lying over and over again. She made me look...I had to...just for a second...to know the truth. I could see the same look on her face that I had seen 2.5 years earlier. My heart sank but I could not have imagined anyone else telling me besides her. It was as if God was putting the right people in my path at the right time from the very beginning. I hope she knows how much she means to me ♡
The plan was to induce labor. They offered me an epidural. When the anesthetist came to start the epidural, I kept telling him that I didn't want to feel anything. I wasn't referring to the physical pain as much as the emotional pain. I just wanted to go numb. This was far too much to take in. The induction started and we waited....and waited. Then, I thought my water broke. I had my mom check and that is when things hit a panic level. It was a whirlwind of people and rushing me down to surgery. Before Bill came into the surgery room, they got me ready and the anesthetist said a quiet prayer with me. They all had sullen faces as they went through the motions they have done many times before. Most of the time when they are called in to do an emergency c-section, the baby is alive and they are trying to save both mother and baby. This time, it was just me as it was too late for my son. I looked at Bill, who had our beautiful boy in his arms and tears falling down his cheeks. I kept telling him that I couldn't feel Holden because my fingers were numb and there was too much suctioning. That was the last thing I remember.
I remember waking off and on in the recovery room. I kept crying because I knew that this was not a dream. This was my reality. I tried to hide myself under the blankets, away from what I had to face. I thought I heard crying in the background and was not sure if it was me or someone else. I never looked. I just hid. My heart was broken and the pain was unbearable. I knew what was waiting for me upstairs...the truth. The horrible beginning to the rest of my life. Jeff, Jan, Beth and Marsha: these four beautiful souls who were awoken from their slumber to come save my life had to witness my worst nightmare. They were among the first ones to see my boy. I could not imagine being in their shoes having just witnessed what we went through. They sent us a beautiful floral arrangement with peacock feathers and sunflowers. They took my breath away, not so much for their beauty, but for the gesture behind them. I know their hearts ached for us and knowing they cared meant the world to me. They helped save my life. How can you ever thank someone enough for that? I am forever grateful.
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