Am I okay?

Somedays, I truly wonder if I will ever really be "okay".  Even in life's happy moments, my mind whispers to my heart and reminds it of the sorrow we have faced.  I am not completely present in these moments for I feel guilty knowing the moment is incomplete without my boys.

I went to see a dear friend's newborn son the other day. I could not even bring myself to touch him.  The last newborn I held and kissed was my own, my sweet Holden.  I almost feel like my arms are sacred space reserved for another of my own if that is where our path leads.  Even when empty, my arms feel heavy with the weight they do not hold. These are struggles I never imagined I would face and only those who have walked this path can truly understand.  

I am not going to lie, the last couple of weeks have been heavy on my heart.  I should be getting ready for Holden's first holiday season.  Instead, I am ordering angel ornaments for Ricky and Holden knowing that Christmas morning will bring a new wave of emotions.  I feel myself slipping into survival mode again and yet I know I must face this new challenge no matter how heart wrenching it may be.  I need to see how beautiful life is again.  I need to see the good that is out there.  I need to trust that God will lead me in the right direction as long as I continue to trust in His ways.  I need to know that we will be "okay". 

Tonight, Harper came to me with a simple note.   It read " Dear Mom, I love you" with a heart on it.  The look of pure love and joy on her face as she handed it to me took my breath away.  How could I not see how beautifully perfect our life is.  Even with all the pain, we are so blessed. My boys have given me some of the greatest gifts.  They have opened our hearts to a love not known by many and awakened an awareness inside me that was dormant for too long.  I am not saying our life is all "rainbows and sunshine" but there is a definite shift in the way life is played out among these walls.  As I looked at this beautiful five year old creature for which I helped create, I felt my heart swoon knowing she was mine.  She was a gift given to me when I wasn't aware I needed it.  She is beautifully imperfect and quirky, sensitive and clumsy, mischevious and wild.  Her baby pictures look the most like Holden.  I see Holden in her face and I tell her that all the time.  It makes her so happy  and I imagine they would have been close.  I wish I could have seen that.

I know we will never be "okay" like we were before but it will all work out in the end.  It might just be a bumpy ride getting there.  Even once there, I know new paths will arise but as long as we have each other, we will be alright.   I feel richer in life having been blessed with my boys even though they were not meant to be here with us.  It is a bittersweet life we must live but our blessings are many.  We will just be our own version of "okay" and that is okay with me.