When I was in the hopsital, I was oblivious to everything happening outside the four walls I was trapped in. I was at the mercy of others to feed me, medicate me, bring my baby to me and just plain care for me. If I could have withered away, I would have but all these people were working together to care for me and my precious Holden. As the days and months pass by, I am realizing more and more that Holden's impact stretched far beyond those four walls.
Because of my blood loss, I had to have follow-up blood work drawn. I was in a daze when she came to draw my blood. I have worked with her for years and always loved her smile. This time, her face was full of concern and empathy. In the next moment I realized that she knew my pain all too well. She told me of her precious little girl named Olivia Noel who grew her wings far too soon many years ago. I thought 'why must this happen?' It was so unfair that we had to share this bond. No parent should know this pain. A loss of a baby can feel so isolating but there are moments like this that make a person feel as if they do not have to walk this path alone. I will forever remember that moment.
As part of the changes Babies Gone Too Soon, Inc. has implemented, there was a process that allowed tests and information to be sent to a program called WISSP (Wisconsin Stillbirth Service Program). This program exists to try to bring answers to grieving hearts. As part of the process, Holden needed x-rays. I received a touching message describing his time in the radiology department. It made me realize that he has touched so many that I was unaware of. I loved hearing her story and my heart is so warmed by the thought of her cradling my sweet boy within her arms. Here is part of her story:
"When they brought us your beautiful (and oh my god was he a perfect soul) boy for his x-ray Barb handed him to me and the heaviness of him made me start to bounce the way a mom does with any baby. We took his picture and then waited for Barb to return for him. As I held him, E brought me a chair to sit in and hold him. Lots of tears were shed in the maybe 8 minutes he visited x-ray but also in those minutes there was lots of...he is beautiful...he is perfect...and this is just unfair and unreal. We all sent you our prayers and strength."
Love comes in so many forms and a baby has the power to make you fall in love with one glance. I may be biased but my precious boy had a way of making your heart sing among such sadness. His beauty went beyond his physical appearance. He had the look of ultimate peace upon his face. He had the face of a baby who never felt pain and only knew love. His life touched so many within the walls of my hospital. I see the looks of compassion as I walk down the halls. I hear the stories that were never told before. I hear how my sweet son touched so many in his short time on this earth. I almost feel like I am unworthy of the honor of being his mother. His life was so powerful and continues to be a strong force in my life, guiding me through the sadness and pain. I only hope he is proud of what I had done. I know I am so very proud of him ♡
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