Christmas. The season of joy and renewed spirit. The season of giving, sharing love and comforting those with broken hearts. This season has been hard for me. I feel myself becoming physically ill from the sadness I carry in my heart. I have been trying hard to make sure there is plenty of Christmas spirit for my earthly trio but it is hard when I would rather run and hide.
I usually try to post a positive twist on what we have to endure but this season has broke me. I discussed this with my counselor the other day. She mentioned that maybe I was still on autopilot and the reality of Christmas and the New Year has forced me to face the facts. I think she pretty much nailed it. I have been trying to be so strong and not upset people with what my heart truly feels but, you know what, who does that help? No one. It only prolongs the enevitable. I lost a baby, not once but twice. I heard "there is no heartbeat" on Valentines Day after almost a year of trying to get pregnant. I had to make the decision to have surgery since my body could not let my first angel go. I held my beautiful, 6 pound 9 ounce son in my arms and never heard him cry. I carried him for 36 weeks planning out our perfect future only to have it ripped straight from my heart. I had to go home and put my needs on hold because my beautiful trio needed their Momma. I try to cry when they are not around or wait for Bill to fall asleep because the thought of upsetting someone else bothers me and I have to be the strong one, right? Yes, I have amazing support and so much love around me but those kind gestures will never take this pain away. What I wouldn't give to hold him again and feel his soft skin against my lips. What I wouldn't give to rub my fingers through his beautiful hair and tell him how much I love him. What I wouldn't give to go back to that Sunday and pay more attention to my body. Maybe things would be different. Maybe I would have had a little one this Christmas. Maybe I would have had to sneak away during family get togethers to nurse him and have a quiet moment with my last born. My last born....he was to be my forever baby. I was so ready for the next chapter of our life and now it sits here with the corner turned but I do not know if I am ready to turn that page.
This is all us angel Mommas have ...questions, 'what if's and 'maybe's. We have memories that will never happen. Our heart feels a little tug every now and then when we realize this is not a dream. Sometimes, I feel like this is a dream because it seems too sad to have really happened to someone. Then, I remember all the Mommas that have faced this reality and I am one of them. Such a heavy, heart wrenching reality to face. What you see on the outside is so far from what is felt inside. I try to plaster on a smile and go about my day. I try to keep myself distracted because when it is quiet, my mind is consumed by my boys. As I have said before, it is not all rainbows nd sunshine afterwards in a new world where we cherish every moment with our earthly babes. You have to balance their needs with your needs all while tending to the broken hearts that you all now possess. It is a complicated process to move forward without causing damage. We cannot be strong every moment and we are bound to have our downs just as much as our ups. The most important thing is that people stick around for both the ups and downs. It may be uncomfortable to stand by someone who is grieving and that is okay. Sometimes discomfort breeds inappropriate comfort and the damage it may cause is irreversible. Hearts do not forget easily. Be kind to each other and remember that a simple 'I am so sorry' is the best therapy around ♡
♡♡♡hugs mama♡♡♡
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