The most difficult thing about grief is that it will always catch up to you. No matter how hard you try to ignore it, it will sneak up on you and attack at your weakest moments. It may take days, months or years but grief never forgets and it will never let you get away without a few scars.
Right now, I am dancing an delicate dance with my grief. I am trying to keep the Christmas spirit alive in our home but it sure is hard knowing that there are two less children to open presents on Christmas morning. Instead of buying presents for Holden, I am shopping for nameplates for his urn. Instead of buying Ricky Christmas jammies, I am buying ornaments to remember him by. I am trying to stay positive and make sure my earthly trio get the Christmas they deserve but my heart wants nothing to do with the holidays.
I used to enjoy family get togethers. They allowed us all to catch up, share stories and show off our beautiful children. This Saturday, it was too much. Seeing all that joy only made my heart weaker. I could not escape my sadness and stepped away for a while. I laid in the bed next to where Lydon was napping and wept. I slept off and on while my beautiful rainbow dreamt happily. I heard all the happy voices booming from downstairs and was mad that I couldn't enjoy that. I was mad that I had been given this life. What is the purpose for all of this? Why must I bear this weight? I cannot understand why such beautiful souls were taken from me without a single answer. My mind was spinning. I was so overwhelmed in a moment where I should have been experiencing pure joy. Holden would have been 5 months old this Sunday. He would have been smiling, babbling and being passed around and smothered with kisses. He would have smelled like my Aunt Judy's perfume as all my others did when they were little and snuggled with her.
Through my tears, I looked over at the crib Lydon was laying in. He was looking at me very contently. I picked him up and laid him next to me in bed. We laid there for a while quietly. I rubbed his back and hummed to him while he sucked his thumb and snuggled his blankie. This is it! This right here! This beautiful creation along with my other two running wildly through the house are the reason I wake up every day and drag myself out of bed. They are the reason I say 'yes' to my grief because I cannot afford for it to overpower me forever. I need to allow grief into my life in order to find my happiness again. I know this race will be a marathon for the rest of my life and I know that just when I think I have won, I will trip and fall. But, my promise to my 5 beautiful angels is that I will dust myself off, get up and keep going. This race will not get the best of me, it will just motivate me to run faster.
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