My smiles used to come easy. I could be in the moment and not have lingering thoughts about my boys distract me. I used to go through life naive to what tragedies could truly happen. I was happy, truly happy. Bill and I kept saying how lucky we were. Granted, we had some difficult moments but we were truly blessed in all we had. We took life for granted being oblivious to the fact that sometimes when things seem to be going good all the time, something bad always happens. Then Valentines Day 2012 came around. Newly pregnant, nervous about a small bleed, Bill and I walked into the ultrasound room expecting to see our baby dance around on the screen. We had tried for almost a year to get pregnant. We wanted this baby so badly knowing how amazing being a parent was. I was so excited to calm my fears by seeing my little bean. No heartbeat seen...I am going to call the doctor...I am so sorry. Our lives changed in that moment. Why were we being punished? I thought we were good people. How am I going to tell the girls? I learned how to function with grief. I learned when and where you could let your emotions slip. Bill and I both feel that Ricky gave us Lydon and prepared us for Holden. In his short time on this earth, he gave us some powerful gifts. That is a lot to carry every day.
I dealt with my grief for 2.5 years only to have that scab ripped wide open when Holden was born. The pain was way too familiar and I really wondered how I was going to go back to life after feeling like it ended. I was tormented every day with trying to be present but allowing myself to grieve. Those who saw me in the early weeks saw me at my worst. Those who have seen me after really only see the me I allow them to see.
I am not the woman I was before. You may see me laugh and smile and be my goofy self but even in those moments I feel pain, I feel quilt. How could I be happy when I know that I have two babies in Heaven? If I seem too happy, will people think I am heartless? When I meet someone new, I am mentally preparing myself for the moment when they ask if I have kids. Do I tell them the truth? Am I emotionally strong enough in this moment to handle that conversation? I struggle with these thoughts daily. Those who have been in my shoes understand. Some may still be in the midst of it; some may have found ways to cope with it. I am still learning.
On top of trying to cope with life, I am trying to be a good parent. I think there is a misconception that after a loss, us angel parents become amazing, perfect parents who relish every moment with our earthly children. That couldn't be farther from the truth. Yes, I cherish my moments with my kids more than I did before but this agonizing sadness has weakened me. I still get frustrated. I still yell and then feel guilty. I still find myself getting overwhelmed and not looking at the bigger picture. Thing is, I need to be a parent all while tending to my own needs which have drastically increased. I do not have the luxury of stopping life to focus 100% on me. There are three little blessings that are relying on me to get it together and care for them. Without my husband by my side, I never would be able to do it. On top of dealing with my own grief, there is the sadness that my husband and children carry. Life right now is a roller coaster with no stopping point seen. I believe one thing we have accomplished out of all this is that we are more aware of making sure each one of us knows how truly loved they are.
I feel like I am able to function the best I possibly can with the cards I have been dealt. I honestly could not have gotten to this point without all the love and support that surrounds me. I try to remember all the good I have seen come out of this and know that I am a small part of it. It warms my heart to know that my sadness has brought awareness and understanding that loss is felt for an eternity. My life may be somewhat of an illusion at times but eventually the curtains will be drawn and all will be revealed. It comes with strength which I find more of every day.
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