Why I Write

Some of you may wonder why I am so open about my grief.  Some may wonder how I can be so strong.  Some of you may also wonder when will I ever stop talking.  Truth is, I have no choice.  I did not chose this life, it was given to me.  No matter how hard I tried to resist, I had to embrace this new life.  To deny it meant to deny my sons.
 

Imagine a love deeper than any love felt before.  Imagine that the very thought of someone makes your heart sing and weep at the same time.  Imagine a love so boundless that it seeps from your very being.  Now, imagine as if you do not have that very person physically here to express that love unto.  Imagine how earth shattering it feels to know that your love can only travel to where they are, you must wait a lifetime to hold them again.  This is why I write.
 

I write to get my pain out.  I write to get the overwhelming love and sadness on paper so I can make sense of it all.  What a conflicted wave of emotions feeling pride and pain all wrapped in a strange package sealed with love.  My heart aches to think of my boys and yet it swoons to know that I have been blessed with such a love that can be felt all the way to the Heavens.  Such a tragic blessing to be an Angel Momma.  This is why I write.
 

I now know the amazing strength it takes to face each day knowing you are no longer the person you were before.  In a way, I feel wiser, more alert to the world around me.  In other ways, I feel aged as if my grief has stolen years from me.  I am still learning this balance between being present and letting myself dream.  I try not to allow my grief to sneak into my time with my earthly trio but it is a very delicate dance and sometimes I must tango with my demons.  This is why I write.
 

With each word I write, my grief transforms into hope and courage.  I feel myself become stronger with each story I tell.  It is the story of my life and I cannot stay silent for my words are saturated with memories of my sweet boys.  This is why I write.