More Than Just Me: Community and Friends

I could go on and on about the amazingly beautiful souls that have touched my heart in the last 4 months.  We are truly blessed to be among such loving and supportive people and we are so lucky to have had such a strong support system in place before we lost Holden.  Each kind word, kind gesture and hug has given us little bits of strength to move forward.  Such a blessing among such sadness. 

 

From day one, the support we received was amazing.  For the first month and a half, we received meals almost daily.  I am now convinced that southwestern Wisconsin is home to the best cooks in the world.  We received countless cards, gifts and money.  We never asked for anything and yet our community took it upon themselves to shower us with love.  In the first few weeks, our raw emotions were at the forefront and we were just trying to figure it all out.  It is in those moments where the support we received kept us afloat and allowed us to come out stronger that we would have been without it.  I grew up in this community and know the amazing power it possesses but I now know the true meaning behind it.  It is a community where you will never face your battles alone.  There will always be someone there to stand beside you and fight.  Growing up, I knew someone on every block, someone I could trust.  It is an amazing feeling to know that my own children are being raised within this community. 

 

I think that sometimes the negativity that always seeps into our lives overshadows the good.  We become blind to the blessings and goodness that surrounds us.  I am guilty of this but since Holden's birth, I have seen the beauty of human nature and am reminded of the amazing power of our community.  I have seen people shed tears for us, grieve their own losses, reach out to lend a hand and even just extend a simple "I'm sorry".  A loss such as ours is not how life is intended to be.  Death before birth is such a unfathomable cycle.  For many years, such losses were kept secret or talked about minimally.  I feel that it is my job to honor my boys by changing the stigma, shatter the silence.  Silence is the loudest, most deafening sound after the loss of a baby and I have been blessed to be able to speak openly and be so lovingly embraced by our community.  Bill has also been able to speak openly although he will probably tell you I do most of the talking :)

 

Even my precious girls have been given the opportunity to speak openly which is so healing for them.  They are grieving, too.  I approached each of their teachers before school started and explained that they will most likely talk about their brothers.   We have been given nothing but unwavering support.  Bryn has been given a journal to write in at school so she does not have to bring her home journal to school and chance losing it.  It is those little gestures that mean so much,  that help us get through each day.

 

The beauty of our community is unmatched.   We were blessed before but see it more clearly now.  Each person we have encountered has given us the gift of their love.  There are not many places I this world where people will open their hearts so willingly.  I don't mean to sound preachy but I hope my words can let you all see what we have witnessed: the absolute beauty of this community and the amazing souls within it.  Many, many thanks for everything.   Your kindness carries us through on our toughest days ♡

More Than Just Me : Cristina, Diego, Kathy and Judi

I grew up with Cristina. I have lots of childhood memories where Cristina and Diego are part of them.  I remember running around the fire house and camping. I always thought Diego was the funniest guy around and I loved when he sang Amazing Grace.  They have been a constant in my life.  They both have amazing hearts and personalities that make you feel at ease from the moment you meet them. 

 

When the nurses asked us what funeral home we wanted called, I said Camacho's without hesitation.  It is not something I had thought I would ever have to do but knowing that Cristina was on her way made the stress a little more bearable.  Not only does Cristina have a compassionate heart and is amazing at her job, she knows what it is like to lose a piece of your heart.  Cristina has three angels in Heaven- Hazel, Greta and Oliver.  She has been in my shoes and has felt the utter darkness knowing your baby is no longer with you.  I could see it in her eyes as she entered the hospital room.  She was trying so hard to be strong and help us but I know her heart was breaking.  She sat with us and was so patient as we put together an obituary. After we were done, I couldn't let him go.  I needed more time...more kisses...just more of everything.  Letting him go meant that this was real and I couldn't pretend anymore.  I just wasn't ready.  Cristina left, giving us precious time.  She came back later that night.  The fact that she took time away from her beautiful family to give us what we needed is a testament to how loving she is.  When she came back, she brought a car seat.  Bill placed our son in the car seat and she lovingly strapped him in.  What a vision to see my precious boy in a car seat knowing he would never ride in one again.  Although it was hard to let him go that night, I felt comfort in knowing that he was with Cristina. She even updated us frequently and told us that her and Diego were with him.  She told me that Diego even told Holden that his name should have been Diego.  A much needed laugh amidst so much sadness.  The service was beautiful and beyond what I could have imagined.   My beautiful boy lay in a Moses basket with a bouquet of blue and white balloons behind him.  Such a perfect vision for a perfect little boy.  Cristina's constant concern for our well being and her careful, loving care of my precious boy will forever be dear to my heart. 

 

Kathy, mother of two angels.  Kathy knows all too well the pain I have felt and will feel for years to come.  Kathy reached out to me and offered her shoulder to cry on.  When I spoke to her it was as if she was the narrator of my heart.  Everything I felt, everything I said was validated as normal by her.  I felt like she was reliving her pain as she listened to me talk about mine.  She was the first one at Holden's wake, earlier than anyone else as she could not bear to see anyone that day.  I felt honored that she faced her own pain by coming and seeing my baby boy.  I know how hard that must have been and I will never be able to thank her enough for her support and kind words.

 

Judi.  Beautiful soul with beautiful talent.  Judi has captured my family since Harper was a baby.  She has seen the chaos and yet captures the peace.  I was so looking forward for Holden's newborn pics.  We had been talking back and forth about props and my heart was so excited.  When we had Lydon's newborn pics done, he decided he would rather nurse nonstop and it took almost 3 hours to get them done.  Not once did Judi become frustrated.  She was so patient as she always is with my crazy crew.  I knew that when our next family pics where going to be done after we lost Holden, it was going to be hard.  Having Judi on the other side of the camera allowed us to be real to our emotions because she is like family.  I bet Holden would have loved her and all her goofy noises she makes while taking pics.  I can only imagine how gorgeous his newborn pics would have been.  Only imagine is all I have now.  Judi holds a very special place in my heart.

 

Just a few amazing souls among so many for which we are blessed to know.  I can never express enough our deep gratitude for the support and love that has surrounded us the last 3.5 months.  Truly blessed!

More Than Just Me: Angel Mommas

Babies Gone Too Soon, Inc.   What an amazing organization created through love that extends to the Heavens.  I joined this group shortly after it was started.  Created by four grieving mothers, their mission is to create an environment for others to share their stories, share their tears and honor all those babies who left us far too soon.  Not only are they dedicated to giving a voice to our angels, they also have been tirelessly creating a system within our community to ensure that bereaved families get appropriate care and resources when they need it most.  Their hard work and dedication gave my family the best possible care after we lost Holden.  From the hospital care package to giving us support to checking in on us regularly, they have truly made a difficult situation a little more bearable.  You will hear us Angel Mommas often say that this is a club you do not want to join but you are grateful it is there when you need it. The gifts these four women have given are beyond compare.  Their heart's work has brought peace to so many through their sweet angels' legacy. 

Through the support meetings and events, I have met some of the bravest and most inspiring women.  Don't get me wrong, the other family members and friends are pretty amazing but these Mommas know exactly what my heart has gone through.  When I feel like I am going crazy, they let me know they have been there, that every emotion I feel is normal.  This journey is not easy and having someone to walk alongside you and understand every little thing you experience is an absolute blessing.  These Mommas hold a very special place in my heart, so deep it will never fade.  Rhonda and Meg and the loss of their little ones struck me so deeply as it was so similar to my loss of Ricky.  Amanda and her love for sweet Cilla is such a treasure to witness.  Mindy and her little ladybug Adalynn makes my heart ache as I still remember where I was when I found out and what I felt- utter heartbreak.  There have been so many moms who have shared their stories and with each story, our hearts heal a little more knowing we are not alone.

After my induction was started and we had a moment to let everything process, I started to panic. What was I going to do once he was born? How was I going to make it through the next few hours, days, months?  I felt a wave of helplessness as this is not what anyone would be prepared for. In the morning, I had 3 angels walk into my room.  Their very presence brought a small sense of peace to my broken heart.  They were proof that I would make it out of this hell.  Amy- Momma to handsome Jackson, Brenda- Momma to sweet Lauren and Morgan- Momma to precious Hadlee.  They embraced me with the sadness only they could know. I watched as they each took turns holding my boy.  I could see the sadness in their eyes as they thought of their precious angels and the journey I was about to begin.  They told me their stories in greater detail than I have ever heard before.  They shared how they coped and what they did in the first few days and weeks.  They gave me the advice that I was yearning for.  They gave me hope.  Liz- Momma to beautiful Ruby, came later that day with a care package.  She embraced me and we unleashed a flood of tears.  She held my boy and gazed at him.  Liz's loss is the freshest of the four.  She lost Ruby right before Xmas in 2012.  I remember seeing her at the first Babies Gone Too Soon walk and was amazed at how strong she was.  I know how much Angel Momma’s hate to hear they are strong because we don't always feel like we are but to get up each day with an ever present heartache and carry on takes a strength that only a few possess. 

In the months since Holden left us, I have been blessed with meeting other Angel Mommas who bring some sanity to this crazy "new normal".  Jane lost sweet Michael the day after Holden and her words and support has been amazing. Lisa, whose beautiful Robby has brought happiness to so many who have lost a precious little one through Robby's Rabbits.  Karen, whose sweet Lily brought her Momma to me.  Sarah and Alia, both Mommas to sweet Ella angels.  Sweet Tylynn and her beautiful Devalynn born just weeks after my Holden.  I see the love these Mommas extend beyond what we thought was humanly possible.  Our lives, our hearts are forever changed.  I feel a thousand times richer having met all these amazing women.  Holden and Ricky brought them to me and this is my silver lining.  Such sadness brings forth unbreakable bonds. I am so blessed to have met each and every one of them ♡ 

More Than Just Me : Everyone Else

When I was in the hopsital, I was oblivious to everything happening outside the four walls I was trapped in.  I was at the mercy of others to feed me, medicate me, bring my baby to me and just plain care for me.  If I could have withered away, I would have but all these people were working together to care for me and my precious Holden.  As the days and months pass by, I am realizing more and more that Holden's impact stretched far beyond those four walls. 

Because of my blood loss, I had to have follow-up blood work drawn.  I was in a daze when she came to draw my blood. I have worked with her for years and always loved her smile.  This time, her face was full of concern and empathy.  In the next moment I realized that she knew my pain all too well. She told me of her precious little girl named Olivia Noel who grew her wings far too soon many years ago.  I thought 'why must this happen?'  It was so unfair that we had to share this bond.  No parent should know this pain.   A loss of a baby can feel so isolating but there are moments like this that make a person feel as if they do not have to walk this path alone.  I will forever remember that moment.

As part of the changes Babies Gone Too Soon, Inc. has implemented, there was a process that allowed tests and information to be sent to a program called WISSP (Wisconsin Stillbirth Service Program).  This program exists to try to bring answers to grieving hearts.  As part of the process, Holden needed x-rays.  I received a touching message describing his time in the radiology department.  It made me realize that he has touched so many that I was unaware of.  I loved hearing her story and my heart is so warmed by the thought of her cradling my sweet boy within her arms.  Here is part of her story:

"When they brought us your beautiful (and oh my god was he a perfect soul) boy for his x-ray Barb handed him to me and the heaviness of him made me start to bounce the way a mom does with any baby. We took his picture and then waited for Barb to return for him. As I held him, E brought me a chair to sit in and hold him. Lots of tears were shed in the maybe 8 minutes he visited x-ray but also in those minutes there was lots of...he is beautiful...he is perfect...and this is just unfair and unreal. We all sent you our prayers and strength."

Love comes in so many forms and a baby has the power to make you fall in love with one glance.  I may be biased but my precious boy had a way of making your heart sing among such sadness.  His beauty went beyond his physical appearance.  He had the look of ultimate peace upon his face.  He had the face of a baby who never felt pain and only knew love.  His life touched so many within the walls of my hospital.   I see the looks of compassion as I walk down the halls.  I hear the stories that were never told before.  I hear how my sweet son touched so many in his short time on this earth.  I almost feel like I am unworthy of the honor of being his mother.  His life was so powerful and continues to be a strong force in my life, guiding me through the sadness and pain.  I only hope he is proud of what I had done.  I know I am so very proud of him ♡

Day 12: More Than Just Me : Tracy and the surgery crew

Tracy.  Tracy did almost all of my ultrasounds with all my kids.  There is a reason for that, I requested her.  Every time, she seemed genuinely excited for us even though I know she saw alot of babies via ultrasound.  She really enjoys her job and you can tell.   I loved how she would talk to my other kids while they squirmed around and, frankly,  misbehaved during my ultrasounds.  She never showed any frustration towards them.  That really meant alot to me as I always wanted the kids to be involved.  She was with us when we discovered that we had lost Ricky on Valentines Day 2012.  I could hear the utter sadness in her voice as she quietly said "I'm sorry".  She left the room to call the doctor.  Bill looked at me with wide eyes and asked what was going on.  It didn't take long for it to sink in. 

When I heard that they had called in the ultrasound tech after they were unable to get Holden's heartbeat, I prayed it was Tracy.  I could not imagine anyone else with me at that time.  I am sure Tracy was praying the nurses were wrong and we would see his little heart flicker on that screen...it did not.  I didn't believe her.  How could she lie to me?  I told her she was lying over and over again.  She made me look...I had to...just for a second...to know the truth.  I could see the same look on her face that I had seen 2.5 years earlier.  My heart sank but I could not have imagined anyone else telling me besides her.  It was as if God was putting the right people in my path at the right time from the very beginning.  I hope she knows how much she means to me ♡

The plan was to induce labor.  They offered me an epidural.  When the anesthetist came to start the epidural, I kept telling him that I didn't want to feel anything.  I wasn't referring to the physical pain as much as the emotional pain.  I just wanted to go numb.  This was far too much to take in.  The induction started and we waited....and waited.  Then, I thought my water broke.  I had my mom check and that is when things hit a panic level.  It was a whirlwind of people and rushing me down to surgery.  Before Bill came into the surgery room, they got me ready and the anesthetist said a quiet prayer with me. They all had sullen faces as they went through the motions they have done many times before.  Most of the time when they are called in to do an emergency c-section, the baby is alive and they are trying to save both mother and baby.  This time, it was just me as it was too late for my son. I looked at Bill, who had our beautiful boy in his arms and tears falling down his cheeks.  I kept telling him that I couldn't feel Holden because my fingers were numb and there was too much suctioning.   That was the last thing I remember.

I remember waking off and on in the recovery room.  I kept crying because I knew that this was not a dream.  This was my reality.  I tried to hide myself under the blankets, away from what I had to face.  I thought I heard crying in the background and was not sure if it was me or someone else.  I never looked.  I just hid.  My heart was broken and the pain was unbearable.  I knew what was waiting for me upstairs...the truth.  The horrible beginning to the rest of my life.  Jeff, Jan, Beth and Marsha: these four beautiful souls who were awoken from their slumber to come save my life had to witness my worst nightmare.   They were among the first ones to see my boy.  I could not imagine being in their shoes having just witnessed what we went through.  They sent us a beautiful floral arrangement with peacock feathers and sunflowers.  They took my breath away, not so much for their beauty, but for the gesture behind them.  I know their hearts ached for us and knowing they cared meant the world to me.  They helped save my life.  How can you ever thank someone enough for that?  I am forever grateful. 

More Than Just Me : The Doctors and Ashley

My doctor.   I grew up with my doctor in a small town. I was best friends with her little sister growing up and I remember how cool I thought she was.  When she came to work at my hospital, I immediately started going to her as a patient.  She has a calm way about her which balances out my crazy ideas which only got crazier when I was pregnant.  With both my girls, I was induced in the morning and they were born around suppertime. They were textbook labors and everything went great.  When we discovered we lost Ricky, her office was the first place we went to after.  She consoled us and truly was heart broken for us.  With Lydon, I wanted to experience natural labor and boy did I get it.  I awoke at 1am and had him by 4:02 am with absolutely no medication.  Dr. R showed up after being awoken from her slumber to deliver my chunky little boy and did it all with a smile.  Then there was Holden.  From the first ultrasound showing a small bleed to finding out I had placenta previa, she was my voice of reason.  I tried to stay calm but every now and then, I would get nervous.  She always answered my questions and told me that everything would be okay.  Why wouldn't it be?  Besides Ricky, I had textbook pregnancies and labors.  I figured one loss was all I would experience in my life.  I never thought I would lose my baby one week before he was to be born.  I bet the thought never crossed her mind, either.  I remember how excited she was  towards the end and she would say that she bet he would have a ton of hair like Boo Boo.  She truly plays a large role in our lives.  She helped bring all my babies into this world.  I cherish the fact that a woman I admired growing up has helped me along my greatest journey in life as I became a mother. 

And who better to assist Dr. R in the clinic than my dear friend Ashley who I have known for over a third of my life.  We used to work together when we were teenagers growing into young adults and we had such an amazing bond.  What a beautiful soul whom I have had the pleasure of sharing my pregnancies with as well as her own with her two precious babies.  The first time I saw her after we lost Holden, she wept.  I wept.  We cried together for the utter sadness that surrounded us.  I should have been bringing my baby boy in to be weighed and oogled over.  Instead, I sat in the waiting room plugging my ears trying to muffle the newborn cries coming from two chairs down.  Ashley has been a true, dear friend and I am so blessed to have shared my happy and sad moments with her.  She truly is an amazing person.     

Dr. H.  Many people do not know but we had troubles getting pregnant before Ricky.  We never struggled before so I was truly heartbroken as each month passed by and the tests continued to be negative.  I finally went to Dr. H with my concerns and she was determined to "fix me" as she put it.  I could tell that she took my concerns seriously and would do everything in her power to help me.  Eventually, we became pregnant with Ricky but his time with us was short.  I saw Dr. H while pregnant with Holden as there was a possibility I would need a c-section.  Ever the optimist, she scheduled a "Hail Mary" ultrasound one week before my scheduled c-section.  She hoped that things would have changed and I could have a natural labor.  I had my c-section the same day that ultrasound was scheduled.   Dr. H tells me that when she came into the exam room the night we found out that Holden had passed, she asked if there was anything she could do for us.  I was in such a daze and do not remember much but she will always remember me asking her to give us another outcome.  She has told me that hearing that broke her heart as she wished she could have fixed it.

Both doctors stayed in OB as I labored overnight and was then rushed to surgery.  I could not imagine anyone else bringing my beautiful boy into this world.   They were just as confused as we were.  "He was perfect" was the most common words spoken.  I will never truly understand why my Holden was taken from us but I had such amazing support from my doctors.  The day I went home, I overheard a baby crying in the room next to me.  It had just been born.  Not 30 minutes later, Dr. H came into my room and embraced me on the couch where I was sobbing.  She cried with me and for me. 

Not many people can say that they have unrelenting support from their physicians and here I have had it from both of mine and continue to have it as I learn this new way of life.  I have been blessed from day one.  My heart is forever grateful.

Day 11- More Than Just Me: My coworkers.

My coworkers.   For 10 years, I have worked among some of the most amazing people.  I have seen moments that bring absolute joy and moments that make your heart sink.  I have laughed, cried, worried and rejoiced among the best of the best.   Sure there are moments where things don't always go as planned but when things get tough, everyone pulls together to get the job done.  I have witnessed this many times especially when one of our own is involved. 

I remember the look in my coworkers eyes when we discovered that Holden had no heartbeat.  Shelly was with me trying to get the doppler to give us what we hoped for.  Chris walked me over to OB saying it will be fine.  I could tell they were trying to be strong for me.  At one point, we thought that maybe we heard his heart and it was just slow.  Two of my coworkers, Kim and Jess, rushed me into the bathroom and undressed me to get ready for what we thought would be an emergency c-section.  But that plan was short lived when we had the ultrasound and it confirmed our fears.  I was so wrapped up in my own emotions that I did not see the pain they were in at that time.  I saw this later, when I would lay quietly in my room with my precious angel.  I was trying to take in every moment for I knew they were soon going to end.  I saw the forced smiles and red eyes.  I saw them go through the motions but at a much more solemn pace.  I felt them look at me with incredible sadness and frustration that they could not fix this.  I know how they felt because I, too, had been in their shoes.

In May 2012, I came to work one morning and discovered that my dear friend and coworker Amy had lost her precious Jackson.  I worked all day with a heavy heart  knowing she was right down the hall living a nightmare.  I was newly pregnant with Lydon and still healing from the loss of Ricky.  That day and every day since, a little piece of my heart remains with her.  I saw the sadness and confusion among my coworkers but we had to keep going.  If I could have just sat down and cried and prayed for her, I would have done it all day.  I would have ran to her bedside and rubbed her back while telling her that I was there for her.  But the life of a nurse does not allow us to remain in these moments for long as there are others to care for. 

When I was in the hospital, I had many of my coworkers come to my room.  They hugged me, cried with me and even held my precious boy.  I felt so proud to show him off yet a deep pain was injected into my heart knowing this was only temporary. Each and every one of the beautiful souls I work with has given me the gift of their love in many forms.

The OB nurses sat by my bed and cried with me and my family.  Becky was with me through induction and the emergency c-section.  She was the first nurse to care for my angel. Jess stayed by my side until Bill got to the hospital.  Brenda sat and talked to my mom for hours.  Barb sat and showed off Holden to my girls and answered all their questions.  Emily found a pastor that blessed Holden for us.  Kelly took me out the back door when I was released so I wouldn't have to face anyone.  They all played a part in my care and I felt like they poured their heart into every moment with us.  These women who have seen the happiest of moments and the saddest of moments gave me the best care possible.  But what really stands out to me is the amazing care they gave Holden.  I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been for them and yet I saw nothing but love in everything they did.  My precious boy was in careful, loving hands from the moment he was born. 

I can never truly express my gratitude to the amazing people I work with.  During my leave and return to work, they have checked on me, allowed me to cry and acknowledge that my son did exist.  They allow me to talk openly without judgment and encourage me to continue to heal.  I am truly blessed to work among these angels on earth. 

Day 10-More Than Just Me: The Cousins

The cousins.  Life's first friends.  Only cousins, besides your siblings, can truly understand your family because they were stuck right in the middle of the craziness with you.  I was blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of cousins.  Having been the oldest on my dad's side and 3rd oldest on my mom's,  I got to watch my cousins grow from little kids to amazing adults.  Some have gotten married and some have even became parents.  Some are engaged and some are just starting their adult lives.  What an honor it has been to be able to watch these transitions and to be able to share my life with them, good and bad.  Nothing in this world can compare to the bond of cousins.  We have been blessed to not have had many tragedies in our lives.  Yes, there have been a few but we have always come out stronger than before. 
 

I found myself struggling with how to move forward from the loss of Holden.  I had so many family members comfort us but the pain is still there waiting to make its presence known when you least expect it.  Since most of my cousins are within the same life era as us, I found great comfort in seeing their joy.  It is a reminder that life still has its happy moments.  They just knew what to say and when to step in, a skill earned from a lifetime of love.  I see that love with their children while they grow up with mine. 
 

Bill grew up with his nieces and nephews since he was a bit younger than his siblings.  These amazing kids who I was blessed to become their aunt and they have been amazing cousins to our earthly trio.  We have 3 beautiful girls among a ton of wild boys.  I know Holden would have loved to hang out with all the boys and get spoiled by the girls.  They would have all been best friends as cousins are.  Holden would have had little cousins ,too, with my great-nephews and great-nieces.  How I would have loved to see them together. 
 

With the holidays coming up I know that our family get together will bring a new wave of sadness.  How I enjoy spending time with family.  As I watch the little ones and the happiness they bring, I know that my smile will hide a deep ache within my heart for I will never feel these moments are complete.  There will always be a piece missing....

Day 9- More Than Just Me: The Great Aunts and Great Uncles

The Great Aunts and Great Uncles. 

I grew up with amazing aunts and uncles.  They are like parents to me and have shown me unconditional love from day one.  Not only have they been a support system for me growing up, they became a source of strength when we lost Holden.  I know their hearts were aching for the loss of their precious nephew and for the pain that Bill, the kids and I will bear for the rest of our lives.  I know their thoughts also ventured to their own children, some of whom have children, their grandchildren.  As parents, my aunts and uncles could understand our heartache but also knew how painful this was for our parents. 

I did not grow up with Bill's aunts and uncles, but I have grown to know them and have seen the love they have for their family.  Bill's family is a lot like mine which is probably why I always felt so comfortable around them.  How lucky am I to have married into a family just as loving as my own.  I am truly blessed!

From the moment we discovered that Holden's heart had stopped beating, there was a constant stream of support and love being sent our way.  I felt like the ground had fallen out from underneath us and their love kept us afloat.   It is amazing how a simple "I love you" or hug can make your pain lessen even when it is so overwhelmingly strong.  Not all of my aunts and uncles came to the hospital for I know their hearts could not take it.  At the wake, they surrounded us with so much love and I could see the pain in their eyes.  I could see them look at Holden and question why this beautiful, precious boy was taken from us.  I have seen the love they lavish my earthly trio with and, even in death, they love Holden and my sweet Ricky immensely. 

There was a moment after the wake, when everyone left and Bill, the kids and I got a chance to hold Holden before he was cremated.  I watched my beautiful girls as they held their brother for the last time.  The hurt on their face made my heart feel as if it was shrinking away.  I could not take their pain away, I could only tell them it was going to be okay.  How do I know this?  I had just experienced a mother's worst nightmare and now I had to try to convince my children that somehow, things would get better.  I watched my husband sob as he gripped our boy tightly trying to hold on as long as possible.  Then, it was my turn.  I'll admit, I lost it but how can you not?  How could I just hand my boy over never to hold him again.  It just wasn't fair and in that moment, I felt sadness like I never felt before.  It was as if every moment for which I was sad throughout my entire life had become this one moment, this one heart shattering moment.  Just then, I felt familiar arms around me that brought me so much comfort.  It was my Aunt Kristine who had come back to get sweet Kylee's sippy cup.  I think God put her there for me at that moment.  My Aunt Kristine is strong and always knows what to do when things get tough.  I think God knew that my mother could not handle seeing me like that and Kristine served in her place for when I needed it the most.  In that heavy, sickening moment of unbearable sadness, I saw that maybe we would be okay because I knew that when things got tough, there would always be someone to lend a hand or even just a shoulder to cry on.

I have had alot of people tell me that I am strong but, truth is, it is in my DNA.  I grew up amongst some of the most loving, supportive and compassionate men and women.  I could not have found my strength within without their guidance and inspiration.  I am truly blessed to call them my family.

My Aunt Patti's nails for pregnancy and infant loss awareness month

Day 8- More Than Just Me: The great-grandparents

The great-grandparents. 

My Grandpa Brunkow passed away when I was about three years old. Any memory I have of him are my mind's desperate ploy to remember him through the stories I was told while growing up.  I wish I had more than just memories.  My grandmother Helen, the matriach, had to keep life going as she dealt with the loss of my grandpa that came way too soon.  Years later, she was able to find love again with my Grandpa Jim.  I was pregnant with Holden when Grandpa Jim passed away.  My unborn son was even acknowledged in his obituary.   I felt sadness for the loss of Grandpa Jim but felt hopeful looking at my belly knowing my son would soon be here.  He even startled me when he jumped in my belly as they let off the gun salute at grandpa's graveside service.  I know that when I lost Holden, my Grandma Brunkow was still healing from her heartbreak.  She, too, had experienced a loss similar to mine and I know she looked back to that time as she held her great-grandson in her arms.  I wish she could have seen his eyes as she always loved brown eyes.  Imagine her joy when I met a boy with the same as my Grandma Brunkow and he had brown eyes ♡  She was sold from day one.

My Grandma Lucille passed away when I was pregnant with Lydon.  I wish she could have seen him and his brother.  My Grandma Lucille knew firsthand what it was like to lose a child.  Some people do not know that I have an aunt in Heaven.  LuAnn was a very girly girl from what I a have been told and she was about the age of my girls when she passed away from leukemia.  My Grandpa Kenny has told me stories about how much sadness her loss brought to my grandma's heart.  When we lost Holden, he kept telling me to remember the beautiful children I have at home and to remember to take care of ourselves.  I know his sadness for Holden was pushed forward with the sadness from the loss of LuAnn.  He knew all too well what we were going through. I even recently learned that my Great-Grandma had experienced the loss of a baby.  

Bill grew up only knowing his mother's dad.  His other grandparents had passed when he was very young.  Knowing his family, I can only imagine how loving they were.   I certainly wish they could have seen our kids.  

I find comfort in knowing that Holden and Ricky were greeted into Heaven with open, loving arms.  I know they are being cared for by my precious family until I can take over.  I know our grandpas are teaching my boys all the things we cannot.  I know Grandma Lucille is rocking my sweet boys while LuAnn reads them stories.  I know they are not alone and have someone to dry their tears when they are sad and someone to share in their laughter when they are happy.  I only wish they were all here for me to see it ♡

Day 7- More Than Just Me: Aunts and Uncles (Part 2)

The Aunts and Uncles- Part 2.

Not many people can say that they married into a family as amazing as their own but I can.  I knew that I wanted to marry Bill shortly after we met but what really sealed the deal was his family.  I was welcomed into their family as if I had been there all along.  Not only did he have a brother just as goofy as himself but he also had three sisters who welcomed me with open arms.  And their spouses were just as amazing as they were.  I was sold from day one.  What an amazing family that was based on unwavering love and dedication to each other.  

The night we found out that Holden gained his wings, Bill's brother and his wife came right to the hospital. It broke my heart to see the devastation in John's eyes and the sadness on Marie's face.  They were just as confused as we were.  How can this be?  This simply cannot be real.  They left knowing what was to come and I know this made their hearts ache immensely.    

Bill's sister Diane was working a night shift.  Even though she loves her job, I know her mind and heart were somewhere else that night.  Amazingly, she was working with a mother of an angel who was able to provide her with comfort through those long night hours.  She was kept up to date via texts from my mother-in-law and came to the hospital as soon as her shift was over.  Sleep deprived and emotionally drained, she rocked my baby boy and fell in love as we all did. Her love for my babies is undeniable and I know my sweet boy felt every last bit of it just as his siblings do.

Bill's sister Donna came shortly after.  Donna has faced her own battles as she was diagnosed with cancer shortly after we lost Ricky. She has faced many demons in the last couple of years and I see this woman as an inspiration to cherish life. She held Holden in her arms, just as she did with my earthly trio, with so much love in her eyes.  What a beautiful gift to have her here on earth meeting my sweet boy when just 2.5 years ago we were unsure of the future.  

Sweet and sassy Dar came that morning, too.  I think seeing her upset affected me the most.  Dar is pretty strong yet as gentle as they come.  I watched her as she sat next to Bill while he wept for his son.  I could see her heart breaking right in front of me.  I know that if she could have taken Bill's pain away, she would have. Dar has also faced her own demons as she suffered a heart attack at a young age.  She, too, has shown me that life is so very precious.

Marie came back that evening.  She had to see her beautiful nephew.  Her sadness was felt throughout the whole room.  I watched her as she held my boy so tightly as if her love could bring life back to him.  As a woman married into this amazing family and to Bill's brother, she knew how much this little boy meant to our family. Her heart broke right along with ours that day.

One regret I have is not getting a picture of everyone holding him.  It still felt like a dream and it was hard to process everything at once.  It is easy to look back now and see what I should have, could have done.  Thing is, a picture doesn't always tell the whole story for I read the story of Holden's life through my emotions.  My memories of these amazing people embracing my sweet boy are what brings me peace.  I feel a warmth within my soul whenever I think of those moments.   Not everyone came to the hospital as it was far too much to comprehend at the time.  At the wake, the sadness was overwhelming.
My Day 7- More Than Just Me

The Aunts and Uncles- Part 2.  Not many people can say that they married into a family as amazing as their own but I can.  I knew that I wanted to marry Bill shortly after we met but what really sealed the deal was his family.  I was welcomed into their family as if I had been there all along.  Not only did he have a brother just as goofy as himself but he also had three sisters who welcomed me with open arms.  And their spouses were just as amazing as they were.  I was sold from day one.  What an amazing family that was based on unwavering love and dedication to each other.  

The night we found out that Holden gained his wings, Bill's brother and his wife came right to the hospital. It broke my heart to see the devastation in John's eyes and the sadness on Marie's face.  They were just as confused as we were.  How can this be?  This simply cannot be real.  They left knowing what was to come and I know this made their hearts ache immensely.    

Bill's sister Diane was working a night shift.  Even though she loves her job, I know her mind and heart were somewhere else that night.  Amazingly, she was working with a mother of an angel who was able to provide her with comfort through those long night hours.  She was kept up to date via texts from my mother-in-law and came to the hospital as soon as her shift was over.  Sleep deprived and emotionally drained, she rocked my baby boy and fell in love as we all did. Her love for my babies is undeniable and I know my sweet boy felt every last bit of it just as his siblings do.

Bill's sister Donna came shortly after.  Donna has faced her own battles as she was diagnosed with cancer shortly after we lost Ricky. She has faced many demons in the last couple of years and I see this woman as an inspiration to cherish life. She held Holden in her arms, just as she did with my earthly trio, with so much love in her eyes.  What a beautiful gift to have her here on earth meeting my sweet boy when just 2.5 years ago we were unsure of the future.  

Sweet and sassy Dar came that morning, too.  I think seeing her upset affected me the most.  Dar is pretty strong yet as gentle as they come.  I watched her as she sat next to Bill while he wept for his son.  I could see her heart breaking right in front of me.  I know that if she could have taken Bill's pain away, she would have. Dar has also faced her own demons as she suffered a heart attack at a young age.  She, too, has shown me that life is so very precious.

Marie came back that evening.  She had to see her beautiful nephew.  Her sadness was felt throughout the whole room.  I watched her as she held my boy so tightly as if her love could bring life back to him.  As a woman married into this amazing family and to Bill's brother, she knew how much this little boy meant to our family. Her heart broke right along with ours that day.

One regret I have is not getting a picture of everyone holding him.  It still felt like a dream and it was hard to process everything at once.  It is easy to look back now and see what I should have, could have done.  Thing is, a picture doesn't always tell the whole story for I read the story of Holden's life through my emotions.  My memories of these amazing people embracing my sweet boy are what brings me peace.  I feel a warmth within my soul whenever I think of those moments.   Not everyone came to the hospital as it was far too much to comprehend at the time. At the wake, the sadness was overwhelming.  My beautiful boy is so loved and I know that his memory will live on through these beautiful souls I have the honor of calling my family ♥

Day 6- More Than Just Me: Aunts and Uncles (Part 1)

(a day late due to a sassy computer)

The Aunts and Uncles-Part 1.

My brothers and sister-in-law.  It broke my heart to see their pain. I know they hurt for our loss as well the loss of their nephew. My beautiful niece Emma was born when I was about 17 weeks pregnant with Holden. Coincidentally, she was born on Ricky's birthday.  I remember holding her for the first time and imagining the fun Holden and her would have together. Seeing her beautiful face made me excited for our next chapter.  She did not come into this world easily and I just sat there staring at this miracle, realizing how fragile life truly is and praying that my baby would be okay. I would never have imagined that it would be just her now.  I saw the love in Collin and Jenna's eyes for their baby and  remember that feeling when I first held all of my babies.  That is true love right there.  I saw that look again about five months later as they held my precious son in their arms.  Having experienced the joy of parenthood, I know they felt pain at a level similar to ours.  Jenna was unsure if she should bring Emma to the hospital but i am so glad that she did.  That precious little girl reminded me that there are still happy endings and that life is such a blessing.  Her sweet ,chubby smile brought a little bit of happiness into that room. When Collin and Jenna entered the room, their pain was evident.  As they held Holden, I could see a small smile peek through the tears when they looked at him.  How very proud they looked. My heart was overflowing!  I know how much my earthly babes love this trio and I know Holden is looking down at them with so much love in his heart.

My baby brother Logan was a few hours away for work.  At first, he didn't think he would be able to come to the hospital but he ended up coming after all.  I know he felt a special bond to Holden as they both would be the youngest of their families.  I see Logan with Lydon and I know Holden would have adored him just the same.  My big, burly brother entered the room and collapsed into tears.  His heart was breakimg and no amount of comfort would help.  It was surreal to see him holding Holden as I thought back to the first time he met Lydon and how proud he was to have a nephew.  It was such a beautiful moment among so much pain. Unfortunately, no pictures were taken while he was holding him as we were so focused on Logan's grief.  However, that moment will forever be burned into my memory.  My baby brother holding my baby boy who never took a breath. What a precious gift to have so much love surround my beautiful son.

Day 5- More Than Just Me: The Grandparents

The Grandparents.  Not only do they grieve for the loss of a grandson, they also grieve for the pain they see their children live with everyday.  When we found out that Holden had no heartbeat, we called family to let them know right away.  Of course, my mom came immediately as she has been by my side during the birth of all three of my earthly children.  She was also present when I had surgery after we found out we lost Ricky.  Of course I knew my mom would be there; there was never a doubt in my mind.  She has been my best friend for all 35 years of my life.  I could not imagine what I would do without her support.  I always know that she will be there for me no matter what.  She truly has given me the most amazing example of how to be a loving, compassionate person.  Everything I am, started with her.  I felt a deep pain in my chest when I saw my mom come into that room.  I flashed back to all the times that I was hurting or sad as a child and my mom always knew how to make it better.  I knew that my mom’s heart was breaking knowing that this time she could not make it better.  The mere sight of my mother unleashed my pain through a stream of tears.  I know that she was facing her worst nightmare.  On top of her own pain, she immediately went to work and started to make sure everyone was taken care of.  She put her needs aside just as she always has done and as she always will.  She is truly a beautiful person, inside and out. 

Shortly after, my amazing mother-in-law came to the hospital.  She has been through her own pain with the loss of Bill’s father and his step-dad, so I know it was hard for her to come.  When she walked into the room, her sadness was written all over her face.  My heart broke to see this.  I know she was thinking about the loss of her grandson but also for the pain her baby boy would experience for the rest of his life.  Bill is the baby of his family just as Holden would have been.  There is a special place in a Momma’s heart for the youngest, even though they will deny it adamantly.  Holden was to be my forever baby just as Bill is for his mom.  I found great comfort in seeing my loving mother-in-law sitting across the dimly lit room every time I awoke during those long hours.  I know her presence gave Bill some peace as it did for me.  When I was rushed to the operating room, I know that Mary and my mom were terrified.  What a great feeling knowing that they were able to comfort each other as they watched their children face the most difficult challenge of their lives. 

My father was devastated.  His little grandson was gone and I know he was hurting.  At first, he didn’t want to come to the hospital.  The pain was far too much for him to handle.  You see, many of you don’t know that my dad was diagnosed with early dementia shortly before we lost Ricky.  He is not the man he was 2.5 years ago and he knows this.  It breaks my heart to see this man who was invincible to me seem so defeated.  It is a hard situation for outsiders to understand.  My dad lives with this everyday and each day is different from the next.  My dad struggled after we lost Holden.  It was almost like a part of him was taken away and never put back.  My dad finally came to see Holden and the pain he exhibited shook me to my core.  My childhood hero, the man who always seemed so strong wept for my baby boy.  He wept for the lost memories he would have had with his little namesake.  You can never forget seeing that kind of pain. 

I know Holden would have loved his grandparents.  I see the love they shower upon his siblings and my heart aches knowing that he will not feel their hugs or kisses.  That is, until they meet again one day.    In the meantime, I know his Grandpa Russell is taking good care of him <3

Day 4- More Than Just Me: Lydon

Lydon, my rainbow baby.  We got pregnant with Lydon about two months after we lost Ricky.  I was excited and absolutely terrified but he came into this world and stole our hearts.  I have struggled with how to talk to Lydon about Holden.  I was excited to give him a brother and watch them grow up together.  He would point at my belly and say "baby".  His sweet, unscathed mind lets him go about his day without the sadness that the girls carry.  Funny thing is, he seems to have developed a relationship with Olden, as he calls him (sounds adorable without the 'H').  He asks to kiss Holden's urn every night and talks to his stuffed "Holden puppy" that my dear friend Amy gave to all the kids.  Yesterday, he went up to an angel figurine, pointed at it and said "Olden" clear as day.  I know he sees his brother.  I can tell he knows there is something missing.  My heart aches knowing that he will miss his brothers even more as he grows up. It is almost like he knew he had to create a distraction for all of us.  This confirmed Daddy's boy has even asked for his Momma from time to time.  His personality has blossomed in the last 3 months.  In a way, I feel like Lydon gives me a chance to watch Holden grow up.  I imagine they would be such little trouble makers together.  The thing about Lydon is he gives me hope that even when life gets tough, there will always be joy.  My beautiful son who's baby brother is a spitting image of him.  Even at 18 months old, he experienced an incredible loss that he will not truly realize until years from now; although, I am sure Holden is comforting him in ways we will never know.  What a blessing this beautiful little boy is.  He truly has my heart right alongside his brothers ♡♥♡

Day 3- More Than Just Me: Harper

Harper, my typical middle child, really didn't talk until she was 3 years old.  She had a big sister that did all the talking for her.  But, when she hit that 3rd year mark, she began telling everyone every  single thought that popped into her head.  It is usually accompanied by some musical prelude that is sung incredibly, although adorably, out of key.  Although she has personality plus, she becomes introverted when it comes to uncomfortable situations.   You see, Harper has a gentle heart that breaks very easily.  We have to handle her with care as she feels her emotions to the max.  When things get too tough, she shuts down.  Brynly is tough; Harper is more fragile.  In the hospital room, Harper kept her distance from Holden and would occasionally steal quick glances in his direction. She would just shake her 'no' when asked if she wanted to hold him.   Bill took her out of the room and told her that this would be one of the last chances to hold him and that she would be pretty sad to never have a picture of her holding him.  She marched right back into that room, embraced him and smothered him with kisses.  Something beautiful happened that day.  I saw this fragile 5-year-old face her fear with all the might she could muster; with more strength than most adults would.  She now sings to Holden and dances with his urn.  She talks about how he goes with her to school and sits on her shoulder.  I do not know what I have done to deserve such an angel on earth but I am amazed by her spirit everyday.  Even though we call her "Hurricane Harper" sometimes, she truly brings an irreplaceable force to our family.   Such a precious soul who I am honored to call my daughter ♥

Day 2- More Than Just Me: Brynly

Brynly, my beautiful first born. Even though she possesses only half my DNA, I see 100% me in her.  My heart broke having to tell her that Holden was in Heaven. She asked alot of questions as any 7-year-old would and we were very honest with her.  I could see the pride she has as a big sister along with the sadness that leaked from her loving heart.  I felt a special pull towards her since we are both the eldest in our families and wear our big sister titles proudly.  Such a big moment for a young heart still learning and yet she showed the strength of someone 10 times her age.   This beautiful soul who I have the honor of calling my daughter has lovingly took on the task of helping her Mommy and Daddy and tells our story to anyone who will listen.   She even writes in a journal when her sadness gets to be too much.  I am amazed by this girl daily.  Blessed to have been chosen to be her Mommy ♥

Day 1- More Than Just Me: Bill

Today, I started my 31 day journey of shattering the silence surrounding the lives of little ones who are gone way too soon. October is known mainly as Breast Cancer Awareness month but it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  Each day, I will focus on a different aspect of my journey and those who walk it with me:

This beautiful soul, my amazing husband, has been a rock, a source of stability for this family while I have been to the depths of grief.  He has done this all while mending to his own broken heart.  I could not imagine where I would be without him.  I am so honored to call him my husband but even more honored to call him the father of my children. I see how much Lydon adores his Daddy and I know that Holden and Ricky are looking down and so proud of their Daddy.  I know he was so excited to have another boy in the house and my heart aches knowing his heart shattered right along with mine the day we found out Holden had passed.  A man like Bill deserves a million sons as the world needs more men like him.  I am honored and blessed to spend my life walking beside this amazing man.