I am where I did not want to be. I knew that this time would come as I know myself all too well. With the girls going back to school and my return to work in the near future, I knew I would go into survival mode. It is the mode where you spend each day doing task after task to keep yourself busy and your mind from wandering. Half o...f the house has been repainted, the family organization center is up and running and even the linoleum in the bathroom has a spot where I actually rubbed the color off from cleaning it too hard with a scrub brush. Now, I sit with my mind wandering but there are no tasks to be done. The laundry is drying, the dishes are clean and the house is quiet. For the last couple of weeks, I have been fighting every urge to allow my sadness to crawl its way out. I have forced it down demanding my soul to keep the tears at bay. There is not time for sadness now, I tell myself. There is far too much to do. I have tried to avoid everything baby related even blocking certain things from my Facebook newsfeed to avoid any triggers. I haven’t even cried in the last two weeks. Sure, I have had a few misty eye moments but I haven’t had a good ugly cry in a while. The kind of cry that makes your head hurt for hours and feel as if you’ve been punched in the gut. I just won’t allow myself to do it. There is a constant battle between my heart and my head. The show must go on whether I want it to or not. When in public, I smile politely, share small talk and say ‘good’ or ‘okay’ when asked how I am doing. What I really want to say is how every moment I have to battle my heart to keep going and keep beating. Each day, I am reminded of this permanent void that will never be filled. I am reminded that I no longer have the luxury of going through life being able to tuck all of my babies into bed at night. Knowing all of this is a heavy burden to bear and some days I simply do not feel strong enough to carry it. This is the ugly truth of a grieving mother.
I know you are trying to let your Momma know it is okay to listen to my heart but I cannot bear the thought that my sadness comes from the loss of you. You sent me the hummingbird again and I denied your request for me to mourn you. I just couldn’t do it. Not after being strong for so long. I looked outside and saw the beautiful sunflower that bloomed and I found myself getting lost in that image. I just stared as if it was the first time I had ever seen such a magnificent creation. My heart whispered to me but my mind drowned it out. I started to feel as if I don’t deserve you, my beautiful angel. I thought about how horrible of a person I am to ignore the fact that you lived for eight months within me and deny you my pain. I worried that I was not allowing your sisters the opportunity to mourn since I was not being as open as before. One day, I almost became jealous of your brother living life oblivious to the sadness that surrounds us but I know one day he will feel the heartache of not having his brothers to grow up with. I am not alone in this sadness. I see the pain in your sisters’ eyes as they speak your name. I hear Brynly’s words when she talks about how she misses you and Harper’s stories about how you are with her all the time. Last night, I watched Harper hold you and sing to you as she rocked back and forth. I wonder if you felt her arms wrapped around you. I wonder if you heard her singing to you. I wonder if you know how truly loved and missed you are. I wonder if you feel my inner battle or hear my silent prayers. I wonder if you sit by your Daddy as he cries at night before coming to bed. I wonder
if it is you that Lydon looks at as he is falling asleep. I wonder if you felt him kiss the beautiful wooden box that holds your earthly remains. I wonder if you cry because you miss us. I wonder if you and Ricky talk about how much you cannot wait to see us again one day.
My mind is left to wonder but I feel a sense of peace as I have finally allowed myself to cry a good, ugly cry. I know that to be strong, I must allow myself to be weak. I know that there is nothing wrong with feeling sad and wanting to shut out the world while you take a moment to break down. I just needed a break from the waves of emotions and learn how to swim again. I needed to go into a state of numbness to allow some of my wounds to scab over. I needed to go to a place of ignorance and get a taste of life without grief….just for a moment….just enough for me to breathe before diving back in. I have been chosen to be your Mommy and that is something I cannot ignore. Just know that there will be times where I need to step away and breathe. Life is moving forward and try as I might, I cannot stop it. No matter how busy life will get, I will always be just one thought away from you and Ricky. I promise that your Momma will always come back and each time I will be a little bit stronger. Having you and your brother has awakened a strength within me that I did not know was possible. It is a strength that only a chosen few will know. In a way, I feel honored to be awakened to such a strength and ability to see life with brand new eyes. I see the blessings that surround me and that love truly conquers all. Love will always bring me back to where I should be. I am a mother to five beautiful souls, three who walk this earth while the others soar.
No comments:
Post a Comment