You were on my mind a lot today. Actually, you are on my mind everyday but today was more than normal. Brynly is just getting over strep throat and now Lydon is dealing with it along with teething. I keep wondering how it would be with you here. Would I be stressed to the max with sick kids and a newborn? Would I be running on lit...tle sleep and act crabby towards your Daddy? I am pretty sure the answer to both questions would be ’yes’ but what I wouldn’t give to have those problems if it meant you were here.
Tonight, as I rocked your brother in the same rocking chair your Grandpa Russell was rocked in as a baby; I closed my eyes and pretended it was you in my arms. My heart ached knowing that I would never rock you or feel your chest rise and fall. I know you will never experience pain or sadness, loneliness or heartache but my heart sinks knowing that I will never be able to hold you while you fever or put a band-aid on your teeny-tiny scratch just to make you feel better. I will never be able to tell you it will all be okay after a bad day at school. I will never get to dry your tears or pretend to be mad at Daddy for giving you ice cream before supper because he feels bad for you. I will never get to hear you say “Thanks, Mommy, I feel better”. I will never be able to make it better for you because, my sweet boy, you have absolute peace.
I opened my eyes and looked at the precious gift within my arms, your brother. How can someone feel so blessed and so empty at the same time? I could hear his slow breathing signaling that he had finally fallen asleep. I closed my eyes again and went back to the first night after you were born. I was so tired from all that had happened and was lying in bed with you in my arms. I was listening to your Gigi talk to one of the nurses, Brenda. They were sitting at the table across the room from Mommy and I fell asleep to the sounds of their voices. I slept for about an hour with you in my arms and it was pure bliss. I awoke to the heavy feeling of you in my arms and, for a second, I became hopeful that this was all a dream and I would see your tiny chest rise and fall or see your beautiful dark eyes open. Life now feels like a dream and I am waiting to wake up. As each day rolls by, I realize more and more that the only time things seem right is when I am asleep and dreaming of life with you in it. I no longer have the luxury of life as it was before. I try to stay strong but my heart feels so weak sometimes. I feel the pain of heartache everyday and I know it will always be there. I almost welcome this heartache as it is a reminder of my love for you and how much you are still a part of me.
After Lydon went to sleep, I was watching your sisters run around in the backyard trying to catch fireflies. There was only a few in the yard and they were flying too fast for the girls to catch. I went out and tried for a bit but kept failing. Just when I was about ready to give up, I looked down. Right in front of my foot, there was a firefly all lit up. It didn’t blink or dim. It remained lit up until I was able to catch it in the dark grass and give it to your sisters. The girls named him Flicker and said he was your pet. It was almost like you knew Mommy needed that. You needed me to know that no matter how hard life may seem sometimes, if you look in the right place you can find those happy moments again. I know you are watching and trying so hard to make Mommy happy. I am finding those happy moments again and feel at peace knowing that someday I will be able to hold you in my arms again. Until then, I will see you in my dreams.
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