Fifth Room on the Left

Dear Holden,

There is this room that I have not entered since I left it.  It is a room where my life changed and my dreams were shattered.  In this room, I saw fear in Gigi and Grandma Wamsley’s eyes as I was rushed away to save my life.  This room seemed as if it was closed off from the rest of the world and I was terrified to leave it.  This room was dark and small with four walls that seemed to close in more every day.   This room was filled with tears and sadness yet your beautiful face brought some light.  To most, this room is simply the fifth room on the left but, to me, it is where I changed into the person I am today. 

I had not entered this room since leaving it with empty arms and a heavy heart.  As I left this room, the world I had known was not there and I was faced with this strange environment that I would have to become reacquainted with.  The world I knew had happy endings, babies were born alive and dreams came true.  The world I knew was ready to welcome you and embrace you as you grew into a young man.  This world was now gone and I was lost.  How do you move on when your heart feels as if it has stopped?  How do face your reality yet hold onto your past?  How can I possibly move forward when it means leaving a part of you behind?  How does one feel so blessed and so empty at the same time?  These are the questions I have battled with since we said our goodbyes.

Over the last 12 weeks, I have faced a lot of demons.  I have seen that life moves forward even when you protest.  I have returned to work and was welcomed with open, loving arms.  Each day at work, I look down the hall that leads towards that room…the fifth room on the left.  I knew that I had to go to that room again.  I knew that I had to face my fear as it would help me move forward.  I had to see it as just a room and not a place where my dreams died.  I knew I had to do it and this past Friday, I did it. 

After my shift, I walked towards the OB unit.  As I opened the doors leading into the unit, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest.  My hands became sweaty and I almost turned around and ran away as fast I could.  However, I felt a supernatural pull that forced me down the hall.  It was so quiet in the hall.  Three of Mommy’s friends saw me and said ‘hi’.  All I could reply with was “I have to do it” over and over again.  I wasn’t really telling them, I was telling it to myself…out loud.  I could feel the tears coming and my breath getting shallow.  Right before I walked into the room, I felt a wave of emotions hit me.  It was as if the air within that room was thicker than anywhere else.  My tears began to flood as I looked around this empty room.  This room that was overflowed with sadness just twelve weeks ago was just four walls with a bed and a table.  This room that was tomb-like looked so big and bright.  A couple of Mommy’s friends comforted her and then left me to be alone.  I laid my head into my hands upon the headboard and said a prayer.  I asked God to watch over you until I could take over.  I told you to be a good boy and help your brother.  I told you how much I loved you and Ricky and that I wished you were here with us.  I cried and cried until I felt the sadness leave my body.  I knew that this was now just a room…a room where happiness occurs more than sadness.  It did not define who I was.  I needed to break free from those four walls and find life anew.  I don’t know where life will go from here but I promise to you that I will do my best to live my life for myself as well as for all five of you beautiful babies of mine.  I will be a better wife to your amazing Daddy and try to help him along his journey as I know his heart is broken too.  I promise I will try to help others who also feel lost and hope I can guide them along this path.  Most of all, I promise I will face my fears and continue to move forward as I know you want this for me.  I will lovingly mother you and your brother through my actions until I can hold you again.  I promise.