Today is the International Day of Hope, a day where bereaved families can help break the silence and speak openly about the little ones who took a piece of their hearts to Heaven. I feel like every day should be a day of hope where our babies’ names are spoken without hesitation. Unfortunately, this is not always the case since there ...tends to be a discomfort associated with baby loss. The expected cycle of life starts with birth and ends with death. It is uncomfortable to think that death can occur before birth. It is a reminder of our mortality and I am now a walking reminder that life is not always a guarantee.
Even though I have been blessed with amazing support and love, I feel like sometimes when a person asks ‘How are you doing?’ they are only wanting a sugar coated answer because the truth may be too much. The fact that they even asked the question in the first place, though, reminds me that you, your brother and all the other little angels are not forgotten. But, is it enough for those of us who wake up to our heartbreak every morning? Is it enough to just say ‘I’m okay’ knowing you cried yourself to sleep last night just like every other night this week? Is it enough to only speak of our little ones openly in private support groups or in hushed voices in public? Parents with empty arms awaken everyday to reminders of what they lost which only makes the silence louder. For me, I have been blessed with the support to speak openly but I know this is not the case for everyone. For some, it is their personal choice to remain quiet but some have been met with negativity when expressing their grief. This saddens me as I know all too well how much grief can eat away at your soul. Grief truly is a cancer of the soul that only unending love and support can cure.
Every day, I see reminders of how we were ready for you to be here. I see the blankie I bought you that your brother has now claimed. I see the new buckle, as part of a recall, for your car seat that came in the mail after you were born. I even bought a new sling for carrying you around and I was so excited to use it. The sling and buckle still sit on the kitchen counter because removing it reminds me of what we do not have. I have already packed away your clothes and the breast pump not knowing if I will ever need them again. That is a story that has yet to be written. You were supposed to be the ending to this chapter of our lives. I am not sure if I will ever be ready to turn the page.
This weekend, we were at a family wedding and I was so worried about how I would handle it. You should have been there being passed around from person to person having your fat, little cheeks kissed nonstop. You should have been dressed in the outfit I bought for you that matched Lydon’s outfit. You should have been there lying on my chest as I watched your sisters dance all night long. I almost felt lost without you but I was able to speak of you openly among our amazing family and friends.
The next morning, we were sitting in the front lounge of the hotel and Brynly was sitting in a chair holding sweet Emma. A lady sitting in a couch across from Bryn asked if Emma was her sister. She said no but then explained that she had a sister and brother. Then, without hesitation, she said that she had two brothers in Heaven. She told the lady about you and Ricky in the most beautiful way. I could see the smile and love in her eyes as
she spoke of you two. She was as proud as a big sister should be. I could tell that the lady was uncomfortable at first but she relaxed as Bryn spoke so lovingly about how you were so cute and that she got to hold you. She said that Ricky just started to grow when he went to Heaven before we got to meet him. I didn’t stop Brynly because I feel like she should be able to talk about her angel brothers openly and unapologetically. It was almost a perfect ending to the weekend. It reminded me that even when life isn’t as planned, it should still be celebrated because every moment is a gift. You and Ricky were a gift. You have reminded me to breathe in those moments and never take life for granted. I will not let your deaths haunt me; I will let them inspire me. With pride and sadness in my heart, I will speak your names often. <3 <3 Holden James and Ricky Roger <3 <3
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