Dear Holden: Happy Birthday

Dear Holden,

One year.  365 days since your silent entry into this world brought forth the loudest pain I have ever felt.  My heart still aches as it did that day.  The more time that passes, the more I remember or, maybe, the more my mind tries to fill in the gaps.  You see, when you are only given a small moment in time to create a lifetime's worth of memories, you don't want to look back and not remember every single minute.  That time is so very precious.

I remember the last time I know for sure I felt you move.  It was on Saturday night, after my 2nd 12-hour shift in a row.  You were so active that night.  Maybe too active but my naive sense of security blocked out any red flags.  What if I would have gone in?  Would you be here right now, walking around while I got ready for your birthday.  I would've bought you a smash cake instead of a name plate for your urn.  I never thought you wouldn't be here for your 1st birthday but here we are....still trying to gather the pieces after having our world turned upside down.   I remember going into work the next day thinking I had felt you move on the drive there or else I would like to think that you had moved.  I hit the ground running that day and you always slept when I was walking around.  I ate lunch and headed back out to my busy day.  My belly hurt but I thought I had ate too much.  I joked with the girls about how crazy it was that you would be here in just 8 days and how busy we were gonna be.  My forever baby boy, you were supposed to be.  I remember looking over at Shelly and said that I hadn't felt you in a while.  I grabbed the doppler and tried to listen for you.....nothing but static.....I knew right then....you were gone.  I set the doppler down and started to cry.  Damn it!  Why?  Why?  Why?  I was rushed over to OB but being a nurse didn't allow me the luxury of believing it would be okay.  I knew too many stories.  I had to call your Daddy.  How was I gonna tell him this?  How?  How do you tell a proud Daddy that his baby boy had died?  I remember his face when he walked into the exam room.  You can never forget pain like that.  I became numb at that moment.  I wanted to run away and pretend it wasn't true.  I just wanted to hide from everything and be left alone.  I guess you could say I was in shock. 

I left my body and went through the motions.  Start an IV, start an epidural,  try to rest.  We just waited....and waited.  It felt like the times I was in labor with your sisters , when the room was quiet and we were all anxiously awaiting their arrival (your brother's entry was very fast and not so quiet).  Only this time, it was too quiet.  There was no heartbeat thumping softly in the background.  Just the sound of the IV running and tears.  I slept for a while thanks to some medicine and awoke to an uncomfortable feeling.  I called Gigi over to check and moments later, the room was filled with people.  C-section...bleeding...hurry.  I honestly wasn't scared.  In that moment, I was okay with dying.  I thought that if God had to take me too, then so be it.  We could be together.  It would be okay.  I felt at peace with death as I was rushed to the OR.  He spared my life for a reason, I know this now.  But in that moment, death would have been less painful than the hurt I felt in my heart.

I think I finally snapped out of my haze the moment your Daddy looked right at me and said 'I see him' and the pain washed over his face again.  Absolute silence....no baby cries....just the sound of my heart breaking knowing we were about to face our greatest challenge ever.  How do you face life after facing death?  Where do you go from here?  I kept thinking 'what do I do?'  This is not what I had planned.  I had your diapers bought and clothes washed.  I had your diaper bag packed. I had all the baby supplies ready.  I had our life ready for you.

I thank God everyday for not taking me, too.  I know He did not want to take you either but He had to.  Something happened within my imperfect body He created and He had to embrace you.  I am not mad at Him anymore.  I have found my peace with that but the sadness remains and always will. 

Last night, I was feeling overwhelmed by the sadness, playing the events that occurred a year ago in my head.  I cried so much my head hurt.  Then, among the clouds outside our home, I saw a beautiful sight.  A rainbow was peeking from the clouds.  The sky was so beautiful as if love was being sent from the Heavens.  I felt you in that moment and peace washed over me. 

This is not what I envisioned your first birthday to look like.  I picture you with cake all over your face and the girls laughing at how silly you are.  I envision Lydon showing you how to play with your toys but then taking over as a big brother would and you getting mad at him.   I envision snuggling your sleepy head into my shoulder after all your birthday excitement as I thank God for the last year and pray for many more.   I envision telling your birth story over and over and shocked at how fast the last year flew by.  I envision a lot of things that will never happen.  I wish I could have truly seen and felt those things with you.  I wish you were in my arms right now, being rocked to sleep as I hum to you.  I just wish you were here and I always will.  

I dug your blankie out the other day to take a picture for the cake I am having made for you.  I haven't removed it from the bag in a long time because it is just too painful.  I instinctively buried my face into it and breathed in your smell.   I felt like I was right back in that hospital room.  I would give anything to feel your cheeks again and smell your hair.  I wish I could count your sweet little fingers and kiss your button nose.  I will cherish those few memories I was given but will always yearn for more.

Happy birthday, my precious baby boy.  I hold you in my heart and feel you with every beat.  The world just doesn't seem right without you here.  Someday, when we meet again, I will do all those things I envision and I will never let you go again ♡