Dear Holden: This Is Harder Than I Thought

**Trigger Warning: Rainbows and sunshines mentioned**

Dear Holden,

I know it seems like forever since I have really talked to you.  I am usually just sending up quick prayers asking you and Ricky to comfort our family and friends who are struggling.  I know you see Mommy struggling lately and how hard it must be for you to see that.  I decided that I needed to focus on my grief more by doing the things I left unfinished because it was just too hard to face at the time.  I wish I never had to know this life but I cannot imagine a life without you or your brother.  

This week, I ordered a name plate for your urn.  I couldn't help but think that I should have been looking at birthday invites and getting cake ideas.  The girl at the store was very sweet but her smile quickly faded when I told her what I was looking for.  After I wrote out the information to be engraved on the plate, she paused and seemed to let it sink in.

Holden James Wamsley
Born Into Heaven
July 7, 2014 at 4:04 am
6 pounds 9 ounces

Amazing how just a short amount of words can have such an impact.  You are always on my mind but seem to be more than normal lately.  I don't know if it is because I started feeling your brother kicking, going on the memorial walk knowing that at the last one you were in my belly, your birthday getting closer, the hummingbirds or recently finding out that your sweet, unborn cousin will be joining Ricky and you in Heaven.  My heart is heavy right now.

I had been floating through life, trying to stay busy to occupy my mind.  I find myself giving generic answers when people ask how I am feeling.  I just say that I am fine but tired and leave it at that.  What I want to say is that I am scared, mad, nervous and sad.  My excitement makes me nervous because I fear what could happen.  Part of me doesn't want to start feeling your brother.   To me, it means there could be a moment where I stop feeling him.  I find myself panicked at night as I lay in bed because, in the quiet of the night, I cannot ignore my fears. 

I know there are some people who will think I am ungrateful but I am not enjoying being pregnant this time.  I find myself anxious every day, wondering if I will lose your brother that day or the next.  I scrutinize every ache or pinch.  I fear exposure to everything as it could potentially cause me to lose him.  I just want to fast forward to the end and hold your brother as he cries his little heart out.  I want to kiss his pink cheeks and cry for the happiness and sadness we will face.  Even then, I know we will struggle.  Will he look like you?  How will he feel growing up knowing your story?  Will my heart ever feel whole again?

Thing is, I am grateful but also fearful.  Only those who have been in my shoes will understand.  I yearn for the naive person I was years ago, blissfully unaware of what I know now.  I know people mean well when they tell me everything will be okay but I cannot believe it until your brother is safe in my arms.  I know they have good intentions when they tell me to relax,  enjoy every moment and have faith but when you have a piece of your heart ripped out, it is not as easy as it seems. 

I see the excitement of your earthly siblings and I am terrified that they will have to say goodbye to another brother.  They have so much faith and strength that I find myself envious at times.  I wish it was that easy for me.  I find myself shutting down around newborns, especially boys.  I even get envious of pregnant women who have no worries, or at least seem to have very few. 
 
I hate the person I am sometimes but I have to be true to my feelings. If I continue to ignore them, they will consume me. I need to have my sad, angry and bitter moments. It is all just a part of the process. I hope and pray that I eventually see the light at the end of this very long journey. I see other loss moms getting their rainbow and even then I cannot find the strength to be okay, even just for a moment. My excitement is short lived and my fears are too strong.

Thank goodness for your Daddy and his calm, supportive nature. I know this isn't easy for him either and I wish I could be stronger for him but I cannot. I hope to find my strength again one day but right now it seems like an impossible goal.  And your Gigi has been right by my side while I ask a million questions about my fears and vent or run me to the doctor when I feel something isn't right.  I can only imagine how scary it is for her to see me go through this.  And, thank goodness for family and friends who never forget that our happiness is coming with a price.

I pray all the time for peace and to find a silver lining in all of this.  Maybe it is your unborn brother, maybe it is how much stronger my relationship with your Daddy is, maybe it is the compassion and love your siblings have experienced and show on a daily basis. I guess time will tell.  In the meantime, I am going to continue being an imperfect, broken mess because I cannot allow myself to ignore my heart.  It does not mean that I am not grieving properly or unstable, it just simply means I am a human, a mother, navigating this difficult and painful road while holding onto the beautiful blessings I have been given.  That is all I have the strength to do right now and I have to be okay with that. 

With unending love...
Mommy ♡