New World Order

I’ve let my depression run feral while I’ve struggled to keep it all together.  That’s the problem with being a “strong woman”. People don’t see the war feeding upon your soul, slowly chipping away until all you see is a stranger in the mirror.  You become a bystander to your own life.

The crossroads are a scary place to be. Which path do you take? The rough path ends back to who you truly are. The smoother path tends to be chosen when you lack the energy and confidence to challenge yourself.  This path circles back to where you started. You become lost in the cycle with no sense of direction.  It’s a lonely road with lots of dead ends. I’m at one of those dead ends, trying to decide what direction to take next. Do I turn back and take the rougher path?  Do I continue on this perpetual path of “just being okay”?

I’ll admit, I’ve neglected myself greatly. I’ve been so focused on all that surrounds me and didn’t realize I was crumbling among the chaos. I made changes regarding my physical health by exercising and eating better. I’ve lost 38 pounds which should make me feel amazing and yet I still feel the clouds become heavier above me.  I realized my mental health was failing and I wasn’t supporting myself the way I should have been. I saw my healthcare provider and restarted  medications after a hiatus that I thought I could handle. I returned to therapy, signing both of my daughters up as well. I unapologetically told myself “it’s time”.  Lord knows we all have our struggles but I tend to push my weakness aside to feign strength for those around me.  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate when people allow themselves to be weak in hard moments.  It’s a beautiful aspect of being human. Problem is, I tend to push myself aside to make sure others are taken care of which most likely stems from me being the eldest child along with being a nurse.  A blessed curse.

I’ve seen my struggles in the actions of my children. We project our emotions and soul aches upon our children. My children have had way too much sadness in their short lives. We have had an intimate relationship with death. This has created a continuous open dialogue which is often uncomfortable amongst adults. Heavy subjects for young minds to absorb and yet we do not want to shield them. There is beauty amongst the pain and I would not want to deprive them of these moments.  But it requires work...checking in with them, making sure their questions are answered....making sure my emotions are cared for so that I can carry them through the hard moments when they need me to.  I gave the girls the choice if they wanted to be present when their Papa passed away. They both chose to be there. I believe it has helped them begin to process their grief which will be supplemented through therapy. However, in the aftermath of losing Dad, I sit here and think about how naive I am to think I can carry all the weight when I clearly am not as strong as I project to be.  I’ve been so worried about being strong enough to help my family, especially my mother, when they collapse from the weight of the grief we all carry.

It’s a choice. Which path to take. Are you willing to put in the work to make the changes that so desperately need to happen?  In the end, the work will bring you back to being a main character in your life.  Admitting you need to focus on yourself more and possibly detour from situations or people that discourage you is the start of the journey. Sit back and enjoy the ride.  The destination awaits you when you are ready.