**Trigger warning- rainbow pregnancy**
I know there is a stigma with announcing a pregnancy early, long before the "safety" of the 12 week mark. It is well documented that the chance of loss significantly decreases after the 1st trimester. However, I have learned that loss can occur at any time no matter how cautious you may be. I do not want this post to be seen as a scare tactic, that is not my intention. I want it to merely explain why we decided to go against the societal norm and put our news out into the universe just a few weeks into our journey.
I certainly have my reasons for announcing early. The main reason being that I have no safe zone. I lost a baby at the beginning and I have lost a baby at the end. The 12 week mark means nothing to me anymore. I struggle with feeling safe with my own body. I have oftentimes lost trust that I will hold a live baby again, my baby. I have learned that we are not guaranteed happy endings and life is so very precious regardless of how short it is.
I am terrified..and sad...and excited...and emotionally exhausted. Deciding to try again has taken every ounce of my strength. I have had to learn to love my body again and not hate it for what has happened. I have had to deal with the guilt of wanting another baby. I have had to face my grief and find a way to function with it as a part of my life. I have had multiple blood draws, weaned off medications and had a couple visits with my OB to make a plan for before pregnancy, during pregnancy and birth. We didn't just get pregnant and that was it, this baby has been in production for a while now.
Time is not on my side. I could not wait years, that was not an option. The path to get to this point has been exhausting. I truly do not have the energy to keep it a secret because, honestly, I am scared. I am putting myself on a path that led me to where I was just 8 months ago. I had to dig deep and find a piece of my heart that was ready to move forward. This beautiful blessing comes with a lot of baggage...baggage that we are more than willing to carry but it will be a long, complicated journey. In the end, we hope to have a different outcome but we know all too well how things can sometimes turn out.
We believe in prayer. Our faith has carried us through some of our darkest moments. I have seen the power of faith and truly believe that prayer and positive energy can carry us through. Who better to announce to than the family, friends and community who wrapped us so lovingly in their arms 8 months ago. We have found peace through this love and we need it now as we start down this path.
This journey will not be easy, it has already been very difficult, far more stressful than I thought it would be. We are opening our fragile hearts and hoping that this time, we get a happy ending. This pregnancy has also brought a lot of guilt. I struggle with wishing it was Holden inside of me but I truly love this baby with all my heart. I feel guilty that my boys were not enough. I feel guilty that I may put my family through heartache again. I feel guilty that I have been given another chance. I feel guilty that I cry more out of sadness than happiness this time. I no longer have the luxury of being naive and only focus on the good because I have an intimate relationship with the bad. This is me...this is my life...this is my story...this is my next chapter. It is a hard read but it is my life...our life. I know you will stick around for the end...you already read most of the chapters ♡
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