The other night, after leaving the ER with Lydon, I had some time to pass while we waited for his medication to be ready. I decided to drive around Dodgeville and look at Christmas lights and thankfully there was still a lot up and they were lit. Lydon was extra chatty just as he always is when his sisters are not around. I decided to ask him a couple questions. My heart was screaming to ask but my mind kept telling my heart to stop being ridiculous. I finally asked "Do you ever see Holden? Does he talk to you?" In some insane, irrational part of my brain, I hoped that his answer would be "Sure, Mom, he talks to me all the time. He says 'what's up'!" Instead, he yelled at me in his mature 2-year-old voice demanding to see more lights- "More lights, Momma." I don't know what I wanted or expected. I just feel that with the 6 month mark looming in the near future, the only memories I have of my precious Holden are slowly fading away. Tomorrow means the year of his birth and death is over and part of me wants to hold on as long as I can. There have been little signs of him- the hummingbird on the postcard stamp, the hummingbird on the kleenex box at the dentist and the hummingbird figurine I stumbled upon at the store. But still, I am left with wanting more. I will never get what I truly want but my heart still cries out for a sign that we will be okay and it remains unanswered.
Before I ran Lydon to the ER, we had to go say goodbye to his daycare teacher whose beautiful life was cut tragically short just 2 days before Christmas. Bill told me about the night he was explaining to the girls about how Jenny was going to Heaven and the tears that welled up in Harper's eyes. What he said next will haunt me forever- "The kids sure have been through a lot this year." I felt my heart drop just as it did when we found out we lost Holden and Ricky. My beautiful earth trio has faced more in their short lives than most adults and yet their beautiful minds and hearts continue to amaze us with their unwavering faith. We took the kids to say goodbye to Jenny because they wanted to. We gave them that choice. The girls colored her pictures and they gazed upon the pictures at the funeral home exclaiming how beautiful she looked in her wedding dress. We paid our respects and headed home feeling a little more empty than before. Then, Bryn started to talk about how beautiful Jenny's urn was and how she was with our boys now.
Six months ago, my children's experience with death was limited. Then, they were thrust into death without any safety net and yet they have embraced it, almost found some peace with it. They do not look at death as we do, they know in their hearts that our loved ones are in the most amazing place- Heaven-and they are okay with that. Before this profound peace, there were moments where I honestly wondered how I would even make it let alone help my children. To hear your child say they would rather be in Heaven with their brothers than to be on this earth...it shatters your soul. How does a child even know the feeling behind such a statement. I knew then that they lost a little bit of innocence that they would never get back. To come from that gut wrenching moment to now, I know we are doing the best we can but I can honestly say I was so consumed by my grief that I didn't really stop to think about the complete impact it has had on my children. That one statement of Bill's snapped me out of my haze. I felt utterly disappointed in myself but then we went to see Jenny. To see them smile and talk about Jenny in such a beautiful way, I feel as if they have overcome their demons whilst I still must battle mine. I wonder if instead of talking to them, the boys are sending them comfort, little hugs of encouragement filled with immense love. Maybe that is what makes them so comfortable with the concept of death; they know it will all be okay. I wonder if those are my signs, through the words and actions of my earthly trio. It is as if the boys have given a little piece of their soul to each of their siblings, giving them strength when their Momma lacked it.
I look to this new year with fear and excitement in my heart. I know we are stronger now than we were before but we gained that strength through earth shattering loss. Although stronger, we are still quite fragile so I do hope that 2015 is kind to us. One year ago, I was newly pregnant with Holden and certain of our life ahead. Now, I look ahead one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, one prayer at a time ♡
