Finding Peace Amongst the Pain

The other night, after leaving the ER with Lydon, I had some time to pass while we waited for his medication to be ready.  I decided to drive around Dodgeville and look at Christmas lights and thankfully there was still a lot up and they were lit.  Lydon was extra chatty just as he always is when his sisters are not around.  I decided to ask him a couple questions.  My heart was screaming to ask but my mind kept telling my heart to stop being ridiculous.  I finally asked "Do you ever see Holden? Does he talk to you?"  In some insane, irrational part of my brain, I hoped that his answer would be "Sure, Mom, he talks to me all the time. He says 'what's up'!"  Instead, he yelled at me in his mature 2-year-old voice demanding to see more lights- "More lights,  Momma."  I don't know what I wanted or expected.  I just feel that with the 6 month mark looming in the near future, the only memories I have of my precious Holden are slowly fading away.  Tomorrow means the year of his birth and death is over and part of me wants to hold on as long as I can.  There have been little signs of him- the hummingbird on the postcard stamp, the hummingbird on the kleenex box at the dentist and the hummingbird figurine I stumbled upon at the store.  But still, I am left with wanting more.  I will never get what I truly want but my heart still cries out for a sign that we will be okay and it remains unanswered.

Before I ran Lydon to the ER, we had to go say goodbye to his daycare teacher whose beautiful life was cut tragically short just 2 days before Christmas.   Bill told me about the night he was explaining to the girls about how Jenny was going to Heaven and the tears that welled up in Harper's eyes.  What he said next will haunt me forever- "The kids sure have been through a lot this year."  I felt my heart drop just as it did when we found out we lost Holden and Ricky.  My beautiful earth trio has faced more in their short lives than most adults and yet their beautiful minds and hearts continue to amaze us with their unwavering faith.  We took the kids to say goodbye to Jenny because they wanted to.   We gave them that choice.  The girls colored her pictures and they gazed upon the pictures at the funeral home exclaiming how beautiful she looked in her wedding dress.  We paid our respects and headed home feeling a little more empty than before.  Then, Bryn started to talk about how beautiful Jenny's urn was and how she was with our boys now.

Six months ago, my children's experience with death was limited.  Then, they were thrust into death without any safety net and yet they have embraced it, almost found some peace with it.  They do not look at death as we do, they know in their hearts that our loved ones are in the most amazing place- Heaven-and they are okay with that.  Before this profound peace, there were moments where I honestly wondered how I would even make it let alone help my children.  To hear your child say they would rather be in Heaven with their brothers than to be on this earth...it shatters your soul.  How does a child even know the feeling behind such a statement.  I knew then that they lost a little bit of innocence that they would never get back.  To come from that gut wrenching moment to now, I know we are doing the best we can but I can honestly say I was so consumed by my grief that I didn't really stop to think about the complete impact it has had on my children.  That one statement of Bill's snapped me out of my haze.  I felt utterly disappointed in myself but then we went to see Jenny. To see them smile and talk about Jenny in such a beautiful way, I feel as if they have overcome their demons whilst I still must battle mine.  I wonder if instead of talking to them, the boys are sending them comfort,  little hugs of encouragement filled with immense love.  Maybe that is what makes them so comfortable with the concept of death; they know it will all be okay.  I wonder if those are my signs, through the words and actions of my earthly trio.  It is as if the boys have given a little piece of their soul to each of their siblings, giving them strength when their Momma lacked it.

I look to this new year with fear and excitement in my heart.  I know we are stronger now than we were before but we gained that strength through earth shattering loss.  Although stronger, we are still quite fragile so I do hope that 2015 is kind to us.  One year ago, I was newly pregnant with Holden and certain of our life ahead.  Now, I look ahead one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, one prayer at a time ♡

When the Autopilot Shuts Off

Christmas.   The season of joy and renewed spirit.   The season of giving, sharing love and comforting those with broken hearts.  This season has been hard for me.  I feel myself becoming physically ill from the sadness I carry in my heart.  I have been trying hard to make sure there is plenty of Christmas spirit for my earthly trio but it is hard when I would rather run and hide. 

I usually try to post a positive twist on what we have to endure but this season has broke me.  I discussed this with my counselor the other day.  She mentioned that maybe I was still on autopilot and the reality of Christmas and the New Year has forced me to face the facts.  I think she pretty much nailed it. I have been trying to be so strong and not upset people with what my heart truly feels but, you know what, who does that help?  No one.  It only prolongs the enevitable.  I lost a baby, not once but twice.  I heard "there is no heartbeat" on Valentines Day after almost a year of trying to get pregnant.  I had to make the decision to have surgery since my body could not let my first angel go.  I held my beautiful, 6 pound 9 ounce son in my arms and never heard him cry.  I carried him for 36 weeks planning out our perfect future only to have it ripped straight from my heart.  I had to go home and put my needs on hold because my beautiful trio needed their Momma.  I try to cry when they are not around or wait for Bill to fall asleep because the thought of upsetting someone else bothers me and I have to be the strong one, right?  Yes, I have amazing support and so much love around me but those kind gestures will never take this pain away.  What I wouldn't give to hold him again and feel his soft skin against my lips.   What I wouldn't give to rub my fingers through his beautiful hair and tell him how much I love him.   What I wouldn't give to go back to that Sunday and pay more attention to my body.  Maybe things would be different.   Maybe I would have had a little one this Christmas.   Maybe I would have had to sneak away during family get togethers to nurse him and have a quiet moment with my last born.  My last born....he was to be my forever baby.  I was so ready for the next chapter of our life and now it sits here with the corner turned but I do not know if I am ready to turn that page.

This is all us angel Mommas have ...questions, 'what if's and 'maybe's.  We have memories that will never happen.  Our heart feels a little tug every now and then when we realize this is not a dream.  Sometimes, I feel like this is a dream because it seems too sad to have really happened to someone.  Then, I remember all the Mommas that have faced this reality and I am one of them.  Such a heavy, heart wrenching reality to face.  What you see on the outside is so far from what is felt inside.  I try to plaster on a smile and go about my day.  I try to keep myself distracted because when it is quiet, my mind is consumed by my boys.  As I have said before, it is not all rainbows nd sunshine afterwards in a new world where we cherish every moment with our earthly babes.  You have to balance their needs with your needs all while tending to the broken hearts that you all now possess.  It is a complicated process to move forward without causing damage.  We cannot be strong every moment and we are bound to have our downs just as much as our ups.  The most important thing is that people stick around for both the ups and downs.  It may be uncomfortable to stand by someone who is grieving and that is okay.  Sometimes discomfort breeds inappropriate comfort and the damage it may cause is irreversible.  Hearts do not forget easily.   Be kind to each other and remember that a simple 'I am so sorry' is the best therapy around ♡

The Race

The most difficult thing about grief is that it will always catch up to you.  No matter how hard you try to ignore it, it will sneak up on you and attack at your weakest moments.  It may take days, months or years but grief never forgets and it will never let you get away without a few scars.

Right now, I am dancing an delicate dance with my grief.  I am trying to keep the Christmas spirit alive in our home but it sure is hard knowing that there are two less children to open presents on Christmas morning.  Instead of buying presents for Holden, I am shopping for nameplates for his urn.  Instead of buying Ricky Christmas jammies, I am buying ornaments to remember him by.  I am trying to stay positive and make sure my earthly trio get the Christmas they deserve but my heart wants nothing to do with the holidays.

I used to enjoy family get togethers.   They allowed us all to catch up, share stories and show off our beautiful children.  This Saturday, it was too much.  Seeing all that joy only made my heart weaker.  I could not escape my sadness and stepped away for a while.  I laid in the bed next to where Lydon was napping and wept.  I slept off and on while my beautiful rainbow dreamt happily.  I heard all the happy voices booming from downstairs and was mad that I couldn't enjoy that.  I was mad that I had been given this life.  What is the purpose for all of this?  Why must I bear this weight?   I cannot understand why such beautiful souls were taken from me without a single answer.  My mind was spinning.  I was so overwhelmed in a moment where I should have been experiencing pure joy.  Holden would have been 5 months old this Sunday.  He would have been smiling, babbling and being passed around and smothered with kisses.  He would have smelled like my Aunt Judy's perfume as all my others did when they were little and snuggled with her.

Through my tears, I looked over at the crib Lydon was laying in.  He was looking at me very contently.  I picked him up and laid him next to me in bed.  We laid there for a while quietly.  I rubbed his back and hummed to him while he sucked his thumb and snuggled his blankie.  This is it!  This right here! This beautiful creation along with my other two running wildly through the house are the reason I wake up every day and drag myself out of bed.  They are the reason I say 'yes' to my grief because I cannot afford for it to overpower me forever.  I need to allow grief into my life in order to find my happiness again.  I know this race will be a marathon for the rest of my life and I know that just when I think I have won, I will trip and fall.  But, my promise to my 5 beautiful angels is that I will dust myself off, get up and keep going.  This race will not get the best of me, it will just motivate me to run faster.

What now?

This week, as I watched my earthly trio,  I came to the realization that there was nothing "baby-like" in my house anymore.   My youngest, Lydon, has lost all of his baby features.  He talks in short sentences and doesn't need much care besides dressing, diapering and handing him his food.  He walks around the house entertaining himself with his trucks and whatever else his sisters have out.  He doesn't need me as much as Holden would have needed me right now.  What I wouldn't give to have a wiggly baby in my arms or have an all day nursing marathon due to a growth spurt.  What I wouldn't give to be cheering him on as he tries to roll over and blow bubbles.  For years, there was always a sense of baby in my house and it seems as if it has disappeared overnight.

Granted, Lydon is still young but he is a running, wild haired toddler now.  I should be chasing him with my arms full of Holden or telling him to kiss his brother gently.  Yet, I sit here and write as tears flow down my cheeks and the pain in my heart swells.  Instead, we hand Lydon his brother's urn to kiss good night.   He shouts Holden's name proudly when he sees his pictures but he will never get to play with him or teach him all about being a boy in house once dominated by women.

Holden was supposed to be my forever baby.  He was supposed to fill the void we still felt.  Now, his loss has created a new void, a void that can never be filled.  We are faced with a life changing decision...do we stay here or do we try again.  It is something Bill and I talk about regularly but what I really want is Holden.  I know another baby would be such a blessing but it will not be my beautiful son who I ache for everyday.  I have seen so many other Angel Mommas face their fear and have been blessed with beautiful rainbows.  I already have a rainbow, my sweet Lydon.  I know the feeling of seeing your beautiful baby's face and knowing they are okay after 9 months of constant worry.  It is a very scary, torturous road and there is no directions for us to follow.  We just have to follow our heart and do what we feel is best for ourselves and our family.  I am still trying to find the ultimate good in all of this and sometimes I truly wonder what I did to deserve this.

I have a dear friend who lost her precious angel the day after Holden was born.  She is currently carrying her rainbow and shares with me her fears.   I hear her pain and yet I also hear her pride and love pour out for this sweet, little bean.  I wonder what it would be like for me and I get a shiver of fear and guilt.  Holden will always be my forever baby as that was to be his place in our family.  I look at Lydon and know Ricky chose him just for us and I wonder if Holden is waiting to bless us just as Ricky did.  Only time will tell if we will be ready to accept his gift...

The Warriors

There is a group of women I know for which I am now a part of.  I have written about these women before but I will never be able to capture their bravery among my writing.  Their courage is a beautiful yet heart wrenching thing to witness.  They have given me strength without being present.  They have wiped my tears from afar and warmed my heart with a single hug.  These women are warriors, through and through.  These women are mothers to angels.   I have heard stories that could make the coldest heart melt.  I have seen the pain upon their face as they speak their angels names in private.  I have seen the pride they possess among that pain and the daily battle to keep their angels' memory alive.   These women are warriors who fight to help others placed upon this path.  They face a mother's greatest fear with the amazing power of infinite love. 

Us angel Mommas fear that our little ones will be forgotten, that their names will fade with time.  We worry that others will forget that these lives, no matter how brief, were and still are so very powerful.  Our angels live with each breath we take, with each beat of our hearts.  We live with the gaping hole in our heart that is filled with sadness, love, pride and fear.  It is a feeling that words cannot describe.  With each passing day, we awaken to the heavy ache of knowing what we do not have.  We will never feel complete as a little piece of us has been taken.  There are now two versions of us, who we were before and us now.  We yearn for our life before yet would not give up who we are now for it would mean not knowing the love we have for our angels. 

I have witnessed the amazing power of these women through their stories and their actions.   I have been able to move forward by using their strength to push me.  They have given me a gift that I will never be able to return.   I have seen them face their fears and bring rainbows into this world.  There are some who are currently pregnant with their rainbows and facing each day with uncertainty.  There are some who are selflessly sharing their stories to raise awareness and help others face their fears.  I am honored to be among these women and I feel that our paths were destined to cross.  Although deep sadness has brought us together, I cannot imagine my life without them.  These women, these warriors,  are truly angels on earth.  The world is richer having their intense power upon it.