Yes, I know. Pandemic refers to a disease but honestly why can’t we shift our focus to the spread of something more positive? I’m truly trying to find the silver lining in all the chaos that is now our new normal.
I’ve been transparent with some people about my struggles over the years, especially this past year. Grief is a staple in my life. It drives what I do and what I don’t do. It affects how I interpret situations, how I process life. I wish I didn’t have to live this way but it is the hand I was dealt. Last year, with Dad failing, it was harder than losing Holden. With Holden, I was allowed to be weak. I was allowed to feel the immense pain and I was able to express it among those who knew what my heart felt. I felt like I could openly grieve and lean on loved ones to help me carry the pain.
Not many know what it is like to see a big hero of a Dad slowly turn into a stranger. Already weak from all I had endured, I didn’t handle his failing and death in a heathy way. I held in a lot because I needed to be strong for everyone else. I needed to keep my composure because I was suffocating anytime I truly saw what was in front of me. My depression became an angry monster and I tried to go off my meds and prove how strong I was and that it couldn’t control me. That was a mistake. I felt anger and resentment towards those who meant no harm to me and loved me. I was just so mad that people couldn’t see how hard this was for my family because we always put on a brave front. Truth is, it’s scary for everyone and I feel like we don’t reach out as much as we should. Life is a lot more beautiful when we can be honest with each other. I see that now.
Therapy and medication changes has helped and I thought I was doing better. Then came this pandemic. It hit me hard. I was trying to work (in a new position), help with school for 3 of the kids, manage a household and find a way to keep the stress levels down for us all. It was too much. I finally went to a dear friend who is my NP to talk about my anxiety. She’s seen me in some pretty dark places and always has my heart in her best interest. She had a student NP, let’s call her D, with her whom I’ve known forever and I just adore her. Trying to be strong, I started explaining about how I’m struggling with all the demands, fears that I’m hurting my marriage, guilt that my children haven’t had a whole mother since losing Holden and that my mental health struggles are trickling into the kids. Then the tears came. She said some lovely words and then came the punchline “you have to give yourself some grace” (there may have been a “damn” before the grace☺️). Yes!!!!! I never do. I’m so hard on myself and trying to do it all. People always see this organized, put together person but it’s all a front. Behind the scenes, I’m emotionally struggling with it all. I recognize that my anxiety is fed by chaos and I try so hard to be prepared and organized to reduce my anxiety. Truth is, I’ve been a hostage to routine due to my anxiety. Any chaotic shift sends me into a tailspin and I can’t seem to get myself straightened out. It’s exhausting, mentally and physically. I sat there with tears in my eyes as these two beautiful souls reminded me that I’m allowed to feel what I feel because I’ve been dealt some pretty shitty cards. I know everyone has struggles they’ve faced and I need to embrace what I’ve been through and also how far I’ve come, no matter how small the progress may be. So with my continued therapy and a new medication regimen, I’m trying to change my focus.
I’ve been blessed with the most amazing cheerleaders in my life and I need to find a way to give myself grace to see what I’m capable of. I’ve scared myself with how self critical I can be and this pattern needs to stop. I pride myself in advocating relentlessly for my children’s mental health, yet have fallen short for myself. Mental health has always been something discussed behind closed doors or not at all. It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to feel hopeless. What isn’t okay is feeling like you have nowhere to turn. Where is the rule book that says you have to have your shit together at all times. Why can’t we be a beautiful mess sometimes and give ourselves some grace? We’re all a little bit broken and it’s those cracks that unite us as humans. No one is perfect. No one has it all figured out. We’re all just bustling away, trying the best we can and societal pressures, life challenges and the constant stimulus of social media clouds over the good we do. It’s time to clear the fog and appreciate the view. Lord knows I haven’t paused long enough to see how wonderful it is. I think I could get used to this change ❤️
