I used to love Christmas. The smells. The lights. The music. Every single bit of it. However, after Holden, Christmas has lost some of its luster. Nothing like the season of caring and being with those you love to remind you of what is missing. You would think that after all we have been through this year, I would be filled with immense joy but I find myself teetering on the edge of joy and sadness. It is a very confusing time for me having Sawyer here. I thank God everyday for him but I still have that deep hole within my heart that echoes my pain. I cannot recall my memories as vividly as the time passes and it makes me wonder if it was all a dream. I find myself only looking at the same two photos of him. In these photos, he looks like he is just sleeping. He looks alive. Sometimes we must trick our mind to calm our heart and our reality is too real some days. I am still feeling my way around, trying to make sense of it all and find a way to make this all work. No two days are alike and I imagine they never will be.
I have been called strong alot lately but I have my doubts. Most of my strength has been birthed from the death of my son so it is a difficult trait to embrace. I have to be strong because my husband and earthly children depend on me. If I fall apart, so will this family and I cannot let that happen. Holden wouldn't want it that way. But, underneath the facade, I am a shattered woman who still feels the weight of the world and has moments where she struggles to catch her breath. Somedays, I wish I could collapse to the ground and sob uncontrollably until my tears dry up. Somedays, I wish I didn't have to leave my bed because he is so alive in my dreams. Somedays, I trick myself into believeing that none of it happened. These temporary moments of survival are what I need to keep above water but then I feel the waves crash upon my already weakened heart and it is the most sickening feeling ever. It's hard to believe that I have a beautiful baby boy who grew inside of me for eight months only to have him taken from me. That's not how it's supposed to happen. He is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of before bed. He saturates my dreams and his name lingers on the tip of my tongue. I am on the verge of tears often but have learned how to function otherwise. It isn't easy and I doubt it ever will be.
This is our truth. No sugar coating. No fluffy words to make it easier to swallow. This is our life. There are far too many others who carry this pain daily. I decided to write this piece to bring awareness to the fact that so many of us hold a deep pain behind our seemingly happy faces this season. Although there are many things to be grateful for, it does not negate the loss and pain that so many have endured. Yes, we have found some beauty in all of this but it still is a seering pain that will reignite often and never fade completely because our love for them will not allow it.
There is one thing that I want you to take from this piece and here it is:
Although we smile, we still hurt. You will not hurt us by saying their name or speaking of them. Silence hurts more than any words ever could. We are navigating this confusing and often overwhelming new life and although we may seem strong, we still need you. Don't ask what you can do, just do. Oftentimes, we don't know what we want but we need you to remember with us and understand we are not the same and may never be. No matter what loss a person has experienced, a heart never forgets and we need each others to help us through each day. We need love on Earth to help us through when we lose love to the Heavens.
Merry Christmas from me to you. May the love of the season bring you peace and be gentle to your heart ♡
