**TRIGGER WARNING** This is a letter to our new rainbow baby.
Dear Sawyer,
I need you to know this:
I fought for you. I fought demons I never knew existed to make you a reality. You were never an afterthought; you are exactly what our hearts needed. You came after our lives were turned upside down and we were struggling to find a way to navigate through the grief. I was terrified to try again. My own body was now foreign to me, having carried life and death. I had to fight off fears that my body couldn't bring another child into this world alive. Time was not on our side and I had to fight to educate myself and make sure my body was ready. I had to fight off all the 'what ifs' and let destiny take over. I had to find a balance in the war between my heart and my body.
I waited for you. After Holden was born, I made a promise that I would not hold another newborn until it was my own child. It may seem unnatural to some that this thought was in my head so soon after we lost your brother but I knew in my heart that this chapter of our life could not end that way. I knew Holden wouldn't want it that way. I met many babies during that time but my heart hurt to see them so alive. I had to force back my tears or walk away when it was too much. I knew that my time was coming. I just had to wait. Even in the depth of our grief, I knew that we would find hope and peace again. You brought that to us.
I love you immensely. I love each of my children with all my heart, whether here on earth or in Heaven. My love for you feels different as it does with each child; one no less than the other, just different. One of the OB nurses, and dear friend of mine, asked me in the hospital if I felt like I was bonding with you. It made me think because I could see where she was coming from. Us Mommies sometimes go through the motions of caring for our babies which conveys love but bonding is a higher level. I had to think about it and really check in with myself to make sure I wasn't just 'going through the motions'. Truth is, the moment I saw your face, you took my breath away. I felt an intense pull to you knowing what I went through to get you here and that you and Mommy were bonded as warriors in our own right. You came into this world screaming and awakened my heart in more ways than you will ever know. The last time I was in that room, my heart shattered from the silence.
You are your own person. I truly worry that at some point you may feel as if you are living in Holden's shadow. Truth is, he is a huge part of our family but so are you and the rest of your siblings. I do not want your life to always be intertwined with his death. You are not here because he is not. You are here because this was our destiny as a family. I truly believe that you would have come to us regardless. Your piece to our puzzle existed long before Holden and is now where it should be. I will spend the rest of my life reminding you of that. I recently had a discussion with my therapist about the discovery that cells from babies have been found in a mother's body long after the baby is born. There is also some speculation that these cells can migrate back to subsequent babies. If this is true, you are the only one, besides me, in our family to carry a little bit of Holden as well as all your other siblings. You carry all of us within you and it only seems right that you came to complete the circle that was broken almost a year and a half ago. You are the piece that has been missing all along, long before our family even started. Never forget that.
And, finally, I am still broken. I lost some of my confidence as a mother when we lost Holden. I am more nervous and may hover over you alot. I apologize for this but you are almost too good to be true and my heart is still a little fragile. Give me time. I will get better. I am gonna kiss you and hug you as much as I can. I am gonna snuggle you to my chest and breathe in your smell. I may take a little bit longer to lay you down at night just to get that extra moment. I was robbed of this recently and I am going to cherish every moment I get now. You may see me watch you and your siblings with tears in my eyes. It's okay, I need to do that. You may see me get frustrated at times when I shouldn't be. I apologize, I am still grieving. You may see me come out of my room with puffy eyes and that's okay. Sometimes, I need a quiet moment to let it all out. I miss your brothers and I always will. It is the price of love and I am left with so many questions my heart and mind cannot answer.
I often wonder if you hear Holden whispering to you. If he does, listen. I wonder if you saw him before he sent you to us. If you did, remember it. You were handpicked by your big brother and what an incredible gift you are. As much joy as we feel right now, I still feel the pain sneak up every now and then. I know this will not be easy and we will certainly face our challenges but I know we have the strength to see it through and come out stronger than ever. And never forget that you were destined to complete our family. It just took a long and twisted road to get you here ♡
Love,
Mommy
