**Trigger warning- rainbow pregnancy**
Loss can make you bitter. It can make you question relationships, friendships and even who you are as a person. It can bring negativity into every day of your life and eat away at the few moments of happiness that peek through. It can make you feel isolated and feel like a failure. In the beginning stages of grief, you just function at a lowest level possible because that is all you can do with the little strength you have.
Holden was supposed to be our last baby. We had sold all the girl clothes that were no longer used. We were stocked up on boy clothes and diapers. We even got a little toddler bed for Boo Boo so Holden could have the crib. I was mentally preparing myself for the next chapter of our life. I had spent 7 years changing diapers, being pregnant, breastfeeding and toting around a diaper bag like a purse. I was more than ready to be done after Holden. He was supposed to be our forever baby. We were gonna have our four beautiful children and live our happy, beautiful life. That all changed on July 7th. As I held Holden's lifeless body, my dreams were crushed. I felt like I failed my family, like I couldn't give them the perfect life they deserved. My mind was my worst enemy and my heart wasn't strong enough to fight it. I had never felt or seen such pain. I heard my oldest tell me she wanted to die to be with her brother. I saw my traumatized father, who is fighting his own battles, hold his grandson who shared his name. I saw my Mom try to be the one to keep it all together while her heart shattered. I saw the love of my life crumble as he held his beautiful son. I was a zombie, floating through life trying not to drown. I was a broken version of who I once was, a false representation of who I truly was. I had to be strong for my family but I didn't have the strength. I went into survival mode, blocking all triggers the best I could. I struggled seeing pregnant women and seeing pictures of newborns, especially boys. Going to the clinic made my heart race. Walking back into the hospital made me feel weak. Going out into public made me panic inside. If I could have went into hiding, I would have.
Honestly, I hate this life. I hate that I had no choice. I hate that my son's ashes sit in our living room when he should be in my arms right now. I hate that my whole view of life has been turned upside down and I can never go back to who I was. I hate that I cannot be as honest as I want to be. I fight an internal battle everyday and very few know that I do. Every time I see a baby my heart breaks a little bit more. I hate that I am this person now. A person who has to be three steps ahead in case a trigger comes my way or I am asked how many children I have. This is the price we have paid for the blessing within me.
Sure, I am happy to be pregnant again but this time is different. I didn't get all excited and jump around when that test went positive. I went into shock and started to hyperventilate knowing I could lose another baby. I could very easily have as many babies in Heaven as I did on Earth. That is a very sobering thought. I awake each morning scrutinizing every pain, every cramp. Everyday, I ask myself 'is this the day I am gonna lose my baby?' A few weeks ago, I was spotting. Yesterday, I couldn't find the heartbeat. I went numb both times. I went into survival mode. I mentally prepared myself for another loss. I just assume it will happen because I don't want to build myself up on false hope. This is the life of a mother carrying a rainbow. It isn't as joyous as one would think. I cringe when I hear 'congratulations' because it wouldn't be said if my son were alive. I am told to have faith and that everything will be fine but until you are in my shoes, you will never understand how hard it is to believe that. My heart is reluctantly opening up to this baby. It is still fragile and I ache for my son. If anything, this pregnancy has made me miss him more. But, I am slowly realizing the beauty that has been placed in our lives. We will get there one step at a time. Am I angry? You bet! Am I sad? More than ever! Am I happy? Yes, but that happiness came with a price, a price no parent should ever have to pay....
