More Than Just Me: Community and Friends

I could go on and on about the amazingly beautiful souls that have touched my heart in the last 4 months.  We are truly blessed to be among such loving and supportive people and we are so lucky to have had such a strong support system in place before we lost Holden.  Each kind word, kind gesture and hug has given us little bits of strength to move forward.  Such a blessing among such sadness. 

 

From day one, the support we received was amazing.  For the first month and a half, we received meals almost daily.  I am now convinced that southwestern Wisconsin is home to the best cooks in the world.  We received countless cards, gifts and money.  We never asked for anything and yet our community took it upon themselves to shower us with love.  In the first few weeks, our raw emotions were at the forefront and we were just trying to figure it all out.  It is in those moments where the support we received kept us afloat and allowed us to come out stronger that we would have been without it.  I grew up in this community and know the amazing power it possesses but I now know the true meaning behind it.  It is a community where you will never face your battles alone.  There will always be someone there to stand beside you and fight.  Growing up, I knew someone on every block, someone I could trust.  It is an amazing feeling to know that my own children are being raised within this community. 

 

I think that sometimes the negativity that always seeps into our lives overshadows the good.  We become blind to the blessings and goodness that surrounds us.  I am guilty of this but since Holden's birth, I have seen the beauty of human nature and am reminded of the amazing power of our community.  I have seen people shed tears for us, grieve their own losses, reach out to lend a hand and even just extend a simple "I'm sorry".  A loss such as ours is not how life is intended to be.  Death before birth is such a unfathomable cycle.  For many years, such losses were kept secret or talked about minimally.  I feel that it is my job to honor my boys by changing the stigma, shatter the silence.  Silence is the loudest, most deafening sound after the loss of a baby and I have been blessed to be able to speak openly and be so lovingly embraced by our community.  Bill has also been able to speak openly although he will probably tell you I do most of the talking :)

 

Even my precious girls have been given the opportunity to speak openly which is so healing for them.  They are grieving, too.  I approached each of their teachers before school started and explained that they will most likely talk about their brothers.   We have been given nothing but unwavering support.  Bryn has been given a journal to write in at school so she does not have to bring her home journal to school and chance losing it.  It is those little gestures that mean so much,  that help us get through each day.

 

The beauty of our community is unmatched.   We were blessed before but see it more clearly now.  Each person we have encountered has given us the gift of their love.  There are not many places I this world where people will open their hearts so willingly.  I don't mean to sound preachy but I hope my words can let you all see what we have witnessed: the absolute beauty of this community and the amazing souls within it.  Many, many thanks for everything.   Your kindness carries us through on our toughest days ♡

More Than Just Me : Cristina, Diego, Kathy and Judi

I grew up with Cristina. I have lots of childhood memories where Cristina and Diego are part of them.  I remember running around the fire house and camping. I always thought Diego was the funniest guy around and I loved when he sang Amazing Grace.  They have been a constant in my life.  They both have amazing hearts and personalities that make you feel at ease from the moment you meet them. 

 

When the nurses asked us what funeral home we wanted called, I said Camacho's without hesitation.  It is not something I had thought I would ever have to do but knowing that Cristina was on her way made the stress a little more bearable.  Not only does Cristina have a compassionate heart and is amazing at her job, she knows what it is like to lose a piece of your heart.  Cristina has three angels in Heaven- Hazel, Greta and Oliver.  She has been in my shoes and has felt the utter darkness knowing your baby is no longer with you.  I could see it in her eyes as she entered the hospital room.  She was trying so hard to be strong and help us but I know her heart was breaking.  She sat with us and was so patient as we put together an obituary. After we were done, I couldn't let him go.  I needed more time...more kisses...just more of everything.  Letting him go meant that this was real and I couldn't pretend anymore.  I just wasn't ready.  Cristina left, giving us precious time.  She came back later that night.  The fact that she took time away from her beautiful family to give us what we needed is a testament to how loving she is.  When she came back, she brought a car seat.  Bill placed our son in the car seat and she lovingly strapped him in.  What a vision to see my precious boy in a car seat knowing he would never ride in one again.  Although it was hard to let him go that night, I felt comfort in knowing that he was with Cristina. She even updated us frequently and told us that her and Diego were with him.  She told me that Diego even told Holden that his name should have been Diego.  A much needed laugh amidst so much sadness.  The service was beautiful and beyond what I could have imagined.   My beautiful boy lay in a Moses basket with a bouquet of blue and white balloons behind him.  Such a perfect vision for a perfect little boy.  Cristina's constant concern for our well being and her careful, loving care of my precious boy will forever be dear to my heart. 

 

Kathy, mother of two angels.  Kathy knows all too well the pain I have felt and will feel for years to come.  Kathy reached out to me and offered her shoulder to cry on.  When I spoke to her it was as if she was the narrator of my heart.  Everything I felt, everything I said was validated as normal by her.  I felt like she was reliving her pain as she listened to me talk about mine.  She was the first one at Holden's wake, earlier than anyone else as she could not bear to see anyone that day.  I felt honored that she faced her own pain by coming and seeing my baby boy.  I know how hard that must have been and I will never be able to thank her enough for her support and kind words.

 

Judi.  Beautiful soul with beautiful talent.  Judi has captured my family since Harper was a baby.  She has seen the chaos and yet captures the peace.  I was so looking forward for Holden's newborn pics.  We had been talking back and forth about props and my heart was so excited.  When we had Lydon's newborn pics done, he decided he would rather nurse nonstop and it took almost 3 hours to get them done.  Not once did Judi become frustrated.  She was so patient as she always is with my crazy crew.  I knew that when our next family pics where going to be done after we lost Holden, it was going to be hard.  Having Judi on the other side of the camera allowed us to be real to our emotions because she is like family.  I bet Holden would have loved her and all her goofy noises she makes while taking pics.  I can only imagine how gorgeous his newborn pics would have been.  Only imagine is all I have now.  Judi holds a very special place in my heart.

 

Just a few amazing souls among so many for which we are blessed to know.  I can never express enough our deep gratitude for the support and love that has surrounded us the last 3.5 months.  Truly blessed!

More Than Just Me: Angel Mommas

Babies Gone Too Soon, Inc.   What an amazing organization created through love that extends to the Heavens.  I joined this group shortly after it was started.  Created by four grieving mothers, their mission is to create an environment for others to share their stories, share their tears and honor all those babies who left us far too soon.  Not only are they dedicated to giving a voice to our angels, they also have been tirelessly creating a system within our community to ensure that bereaved families get appropriate care and resources when they need it most.  Their hard work and dedication gave my family the best possible care after we lost Holden.  From the hospital care package to giving us support to checking in on us regularly, they have truly made a difficult situation a little more bearable.  You will hear us Angel Mommas often say that this is a club you do not want to join but you are grateful it is there when you need it. The gifts these four women have given are beyond compare.  Their heart's work has brought peace to so many through their sweet angels' legacy. 

Through the support meetings and events, I have met some of the bravest and most inspiring women.  Don't get me wrong, the other family members and friends are pretty amazing but these Mommas know exactly what my heart has gone through.  When I feel like I am going crazy, they let me know they have been there, that every emotion I feel is normal.  This journey is not easy and having someone to walk alongside you and understand every little thing you experience is an absolute blessing.  These Mommas hold a very special place in my heart, so deep it will never fade.  Rhonda and Meg and the loss of their little ones struck me so deeply as it was so similar to my loss of Ricky.  Amanda and her love for sweet Cilla is such a treasure to witness.  Mindy and her little ladybug Adalynn makes my heart ache as I still remember where I was when I found out and what I felt- utter heartbreak.  There have been so many moms who have shared their stories and with each story, our hearts heal a little more knowing we are not alone.

After my induction was started and we had a moment to let everything process, I started to panic. What was I going to do once he was born? How was I going to make it through the next few hours, days, months?  I felt a wave of helplessness as this is not what anyone would be prepared for. In the morning, I had 3 angels walk into my room.  Their very presence brought a small sense of peace to my broken heart.  They were proof that I would make it out of this hell.  Amy- Momma to handsome Jackson, Brenda- Momma to sweet Lauren and Morgan- Momma to precious Hadlee.  They embraced me with the sadness only they could know. I watched as they each took turns holding my boy.  I could see the sadness in their eyes as they thought of their precious angels and the journey I was about to begin.  They told me their stories in greater detail than I have ever heard before.  They shared how they coped and what they did in the first few days and weeks.  They gave me the advice that I was yearning for.  They gave me hope.  Liz- Momma to beautiful Ruby, came later that day with a care package.  She embraced me and we unleashed a flood of tears.  She held my boy and gazed at him.  Liz's loss is the freshest of the four.  She lost Ruby right before Xmas in 2012.  I remember seeing her at the first Babies Gone Too Soon walk and was amazed at how strong she was.  I know how much Angel Momma’s hate to hear they are strong because we don't always feel like we are but to get up each day with an ever present heartache and carry on takes a strength that only a few possess. 

In the months since Holden left us, I have been blessed with meeting other Angel Mommas who bring some sanity to this crazy "new normal".  Jane lost sweet Michael the day after Holden and her words and support has been amazing. Lisa, whose beautiful Robby has brought happiness to so many who have lost a precious little one through Robby's Rabbits.  Karen, whose sweet Lily brought her Momma to me.  Sarah and Alia, both Mommas to sweet Ella angels.  Sweet Tylynn and her beautiful Devalynn born just weeks after my Holden.  I see the love these Mommas extend beyond what we thought was humanly possible.  Our lives, our hearts are forever changed.  I feel a thousand times richer having met all these amazing women.  Holden and Ricky brought them to me and this is my silver lining.  Such sadness brings forth unbreakable bonds. I am so blessed to have met each and every one of them ♡ 

More Than Just Me : Everyone Else

When I was in the hopsital, I was oblivious to everything happening outside the four walls I was trapped in.  I was at the mercy of others to feed me, medicate me, bring my baby to me and just plain care for me.  If I could have withered away, I would have but all these people were working together to care for me and my precious Holden.  As the days and months pass by, I am realizing more and more that Holden's impact stretched far beyond those four walls. 

Because of my blood loss, I had to have follow-up blood work drawn.  I was in a daze when she came to draw my blood. I have worked with her for years and always loved her smile.  This time, her face was full of concern and empathy.  In the next moment I realized that she knew my pain all too well. She told me of her precious little girl named Olivia Noel who grew her wings far too soon many years ago.  I thought 'why must this happen?'  It was so unfair that we had to share this bond.  No parent should know this pain.   A loss of a baby can feel so isolating but there are moments like this that make a person feel as if they do not have to walk this path alone.  I will forever remember that moment.

As part of the changes Babies Gone Too Soon, Inc. has implemented, there was a process that allowed tests and information to be sent to a program called WISSP (Wisconsin Stillbirth Service Program).  This program exists to try to bring answers to grieving hearts.  As part of the process, Holden needed x-rays.  I received a touching message describing his time in the radiology department.  It made me realize that he has touched so many that I was unaware of.  I loved hearing her story and my heart is so warmed by the thought of her cradling my sweet boy within her arms.  Here is part of her story:

"When they brought us your beautiful (and oh my god was he a perfect soul) boy for his x-ray Barb handed him to me and the heaviness of him made me start to bounce the way a mom does with any baby. We took his picture and then waited for Barb to return for him. As I held him, E brought me a chair to sit in and hold him. Lots of tears were shed in the maybe 8 minutes he visited x-ray but also in those minutes there was lots of...he is beautiful...he is perfect...and this is just unfair and unreal. We all sent you our prayers and strength."

Love comes in so many forms and a baby has the power to make you fall in love with one glance.  I may be biased but my precious boy had a way of making your heart sing among such sadness.  His beauty went beyond his physical appearance.  He had the look of ultimate peace upon his face.  He had the face of a baby who never felt pain and only knew love.  His life touched so many within the walls of my hospital.   I see the looks of compassion as I walk down the halls.  I hear the stories that were never told before.  I hear how my sweet son touched so many in his short time on this earth.  I almost feel like I am unworthy of the honor of being his mother.  His life was so powerful and continues to be a strong force in my life, guiding me through the sadness and pain.  I only hope he is proud of what I had done.  I know I am so very proud of him ♡

Day 12: More Than Just Me : Tracy and the surgery crew

Tracy.  Tracy did almost all of my ultrasounds with all my kids.  There is a reason for that, I requested her.  Every time, she seemed genuinely excited for us even though I know she saw alot of babies via ultrasound.  She really enjoys her job and you can tell.   I loved how she would talk to my other kids while they squirmed around and, frankly,  misbehaved during my ultrasounds.  She never showed any frustration towards them.  That really meant alot to me as I always wanted the kids to be involved.  She was with us when we discovered that we had lost Ricky on Valentines Day 2012.  I could hear the utter sadness in her voice as she quietly said "I'm sorry".  She left the room to call the doctor.  Bill looked at me with wide eyes and asked what was going on.  It didn't take long for it to sink in. 

When I heard that they had called in the ultrasound tech after they were unable to get Holden's heartbeat, I prayed it was Tracy.  I could not imagine anyone else with me at that time.  I am sure Tracy was praying the nurses were wrong and we would see his little heart flicker on that screen...it did not.  I didn't believe her.  How could she lie to me?  I told her she was lying over and over again.  She made me look...I had to...just for a second...to know the truth.  I could see the same look on her face that I had seen 2.5 years earlier.  My heart sank but I could not have imagined anyone else telling me besides her.  It was as if God was putting the right people in my path at the right time from the very beginning.  I hope she knows how much she means to me ♡

The plan was to induce labor.  They offered me an epidural.  When the anesthetist came to start the epidural, I kept telling him that I didn't want to feel anything.  I wasn't referring to the physical pain as much as the emotional pain.  I just wanted to go numb.  This was far too much to take in.  The induction started and we waited....and waited.  Then, I thought my water broke.  I had my mom check and that is when things hit a panic level.  It was a whirlwind of people and rushing me down to surgery.  Before Bill came into the surgery room, they got me ready and the anesthetist said a quiet prayer with me. They all had sullen faces as they went through the motions they have done many times before.  Most of the time when they are called in to do an emergency c-section, the baby is alive and they are trying to save both mother and baby.  This time, it was just me as it was too late for my son. I looked at Bill, who had our beautiful boy in his arms and tears falling down his cheeks.  I kept telling him that I couldn't feel Holden because my fingers were numb and there was too much suctioning.   That was the last thing I remember.

I remember waking off and on in the recovery room.  I kept crying because I knew that this was not a dream.  This was my reality.  I tried to hide myself under the blankets, away from what I had to face.  I thought I heard crying in the background and was not sure if it was me or someone else.  I never looked.  I just hid.  My heart was broken and the pain was unbearable.  I knew what was waiting for me upstairs...the truth.  The horrible beginning to the rest of my life.  Jeff, Jan, Beth and Marsha: these four beautiful souls who were awoken from their slumber to come save my life had to witness my worst nightmare.   They were among the first ones to see my boy.  I could not imagine being in their shoes having just witnessed what we went through.  They sent us a beautiful floral arrangement with peacock feathers and sunflowers.  They took my breath away, not so much for their beauty, but for the gesture behind them.  I know their hearts ached for us and knowing they cared meant the world to me.  They helped save my life.  How can you ever thank someone enough for that?  I am forever grateful. 

More Than Just Me : The Doctors and Ashley

My doctor.   I grew up with my doctor in a small town. I was best friends with her little sister growing up and I remember how cool I thought she was.  When she came to work at my hospital, I immediately started going to her as a patient.  She has a calm way about her which balances out my crazy ideas which only got crazier when I was pregnant.  With both my girls, I was induced in the morning and they were born around suppertime. They were textbook labors and everything went great.  When we discovered we lost Ricky, her office was the first place we went to after.  She consoled us and truly was heart broken for us.  With Lydon, I wanted to experience natural labor and boy did I get it.  I awoke at 1am and had him by 4:02 am with absolutely no medication.  Dr. R showed up after being awoken from her slumber to deliver my chunky little boy and did it all with a smile.  Then there was Holden.  From the first ultrasound showing a small bleed to finding out I had placenta previa, she was my voice of reason.  I tried to stay calm but every now and then, I would get nervous.  She always answered my questions and told me that everything would be okay.  Why wouldn't it be?  Besides Ricky, I had textbook pregnancies and labors.  I figured one loss was all I would experience in my life.  I never thought I would lose my baby one week before he was to be born.  I bet the thought never crossed her mind, either.  I remember how excited she was  towards the end and she would say that she bet he would have a ton of hair like Boo Boo.  She truly plays a large role in our lives.  She helped bring all my babies into this world.  I cherish the fact that a woman I admired growing up has helped me along my greatest journey in life as I became a mother. 

And who better to assist Dr. R in the clinic than my dear friend Ashley who I have known for over a third of my life.  We used to work together when we were teenagers growing into young adults and we had such an amazing bond.  What a beautiful soul whom I have had the pleasure of sharing my pregnancies with as well as her own with her two precious babies.  The first time I saw her after we lost Holden, she wept.  I wept.  We cried together for the utter sadness that surrounded us.  I should have been bringing my baby boy in to be weighed and oogled over.  Instead, I sat in the waiting room plugging my ears trying to muffle the newborn cries coming from two chairs down.  Ashley has been a true, dear friend and I am so blessed to have shared my happy and sad moments with her.  She truly is an amazing person.     

Dr. H.  Many people do not know but we had troubles getting pregnant before Ricky.  We never struggled before so I was truly heartbroken as each month passed by and the tests continued to be negative.  I finally went to Dr. H with my concerns and she was determined to "fix me" as she put it.  I could tell that she took my concerns seriously and would do everything in her power to help me.  Eventually, we became pregnant with Ricky but his time with us was short.  I saw Dr. H while pregnant with Holden as there was a possibility I would need a c-section.  Ever the optimist, she scheduled a "Hail Mary" ultrasound one week before my scheduled c-section.  She hoped that things would have changed and I could have a natural labor.  I had my c-section the same day that ultrasound was scheduled.   Dr. H tells me that when she came into the exam room the night we found out that Holden had passed, she asked if there was anything she could do for us.  I was in such a daze and do not remember much but she will always remember me asking her to give us another outcome.  She has told me that hearing that broke her heart as she wished she could have fixed it.

Both doctors stayed in OB as I labored overnight and was then rushed to surgery.  I could not imagine anyone else bringing my beautiful boy into this world.   They were just as confused as we were.  "He was perfect" was the most common words spoken.  I will never truly understand why my Holden was taken from us but I had such amazing support from my doctors.  The day I went home, I overheard a baby crying in the room next to me.  It had just been born.  Not 30 minutes later, Dr. H came into my room and embraced me on the couch where I was sobbing.  She cried with me and for me. 

Not many people can say that they have unrelenting support from their physicians and here I have had it from both of mine and continue to have it as I learn this new way of life.  I have been blessed from day one.  My heart is forever grateful.

Day 11- More Than Just Me: My coworkers.

My coworkers.   For 10 years, I have worked among some of the most amazing people.  I have seen moments that bring absolute joy and moments that make your heart sink.  I have laughed, cried, worried and rejoiced among the best of the best.   Sure there are moments where things don't always go as planned but when things get tough, everyone pulls together to get the job done.  I have witnessed this many times especially when one of our own is involved. 

I remember the look in my coworkers eyes when we discovered that Holden had no heartbeat.  Shelly was with me trying to get the doppler to give us what we hoped for.  Chris walked me over to OB saying it will be fine.  I could tell they were trying to be strong for me.  At one point, we thought that maybe we heard his heart and it was just slow.  Two of my coworkers, Kim and Jess, rushed me into the bathroom and undressed me to get ready for what we thought would be an emergency c-section.  But that plan was short lived when we had the ultrasound and it confirmed our fears.  I was so wrapped up in my own emotions that I did not see the pain they were in at that time.  I saw this later, when I would lay quietly in my room with my precious angel.  I was trying to take in every moment for I knew they were soon going to end.  I saw the forced smiles and red eyes.  I saw them go through the motions but at a much more solemn pace.  I felt them look at me with incredible sadness and frustration that they could not fix this.  I know how they felt because I, too, had been in their shoes.

In May 2012, I came to work one morning and discovered that my dear friend and coworker Amy had lost her precious Jackson.  I worked all day with a heavy heart  knowing she was right down the hall living a nightmare.  I was newly pregnant with Lydon and still healing from the loss of Ricky.  That day and every day since, a little piece of my heart remains with her.  I saw the sadness and confusion among my coworkers but we had to keep going.  If I could have just sat down and cried and prayed for her, I would have done it all day.  I would have ran to her bedside and rubbed her back while telling her that I was there for her.  But the life of a nurse does not allow us to remain in these moments for long as there are others to care for. 

When I was in the hospital, I had many of my coworkers come to my room.  They hugged me, cried with me and even held my precious boy.  I felt so proud to show him off yet a deep pain was injected into my heart knowing this was only temporary. Each and every one of the beautiful souls I work with has given me the gift of their love in many forms.

The OB nurses sat by my bed and cried with me and my family.  Becky was with me through induction and the emergency c-section.  She was the first nurse to care for my angel. Jess stayed by my side until Bill got to the hospital.  Brenda sat and talked to my mom for hours.  Barb sat and showed off Holden to my girls and answered all their questions.  Emily found a pastor that blessed Holden for us.  Kelly took me out the back door when I was released so I wouldn't have to face anyone.  They all played a part in my care and I felt like they poured their heart into every moment with us.  These women who have seen the happiest of moments and the saddest of moments gave me the best care possible.  But what really stands out to me is the amazing care they gave Holden.  I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been for them and yet I saw nothing but love in everything they did.  My precious boy was in careful, loving hands from the moment he was born. 

I can never truly express my gratitude to the amazing people I work with.  During my leave and return to work, they have checked on me, allowed me to cry and acknowledge that my son did exist.  They allow me to talk openly without judgment and encourage me to continue to heal.  I am truly blessed to work among these angels on earth.